Tuesday, September 4, 2012

nervous excitement to grow our family

i cant wait to have more babies in our home.  i have way too many kisses in me for just esther's forehead.  i have more room on my lap, more room in my arms.  i have more love to give to those that aren't being loved fully.  esther loves other babies/kids (you should see her face light up when she is around others!), and i am excited for her to have siblings.

sometimes i am excited to grow our family. but sometimes i am nervous.  esther has been such a blessing to us this past year, and selfishly i just want to keep the motherhood area of my life easy and manageable.  selfishly, i don't want to be forced to get vaccines for her (and future babies) that we don't feel comfortable with.  selfishly, i like sleeping at night (esther just started sleeping thru about a month ago!) and i like having free time when she naps.  selfishly, i like only having to do laundry every other day.  and i wonder if i can do it, handle one more (let alone the possibility of two more!) babies.

i think back to how life was a year and a half ago, and i know that taking in more kids will move us closer to that chaos (and fun!).

but i also know that "when christ calls a man, he bids him come and die" (penned by dietrich bonhoeffer).  moreover, i want to do lots of crazy things (like thisor this.) in my life that require complete and utter dependance on the grace of God for it to be possible.

i am nervous. i am excited.  i feel a happy dependence on God who will choose who and when will join our home in the near future, and give us the grace to love on them.

faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass. 1 thessalonians 5:24

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