|she's such a big girl! driving already. makes my life easier. |
esther, can you run to the store for me please? :)
when she used to wake for an early morning feed (like 3a-4a or so), this wasn't a huge issue, because she wasn't that hungry in the morning. but a couple months ago, she stopped waking up for that feeding. now in the morning, you can tell the first thing on her mind is MAMA MILK and not medicine. this means that the 30 minute period is marked with on and off crying, while i watch the clock and count down the minutes until i can feed her.
its pretty painful to watch her cry (well, i'm not just watching her, but usually cuddling with her or singing to her). but in the midst of it i have learned a very important lesson.
in esther's mind she wants mama milk NOW, and does not see any reason that i should withhold. but as her mother, i have a better and higher understanding. as much as i would like to give her milk to meet her immediate need, i know that her long term need is to have a healthy, growing body and brain, and without her meds, these things wont develop properly, and milk during her body's absorption time will interfere with that.
it has taught me a lesson about the problem of evil, the basic question of "how can God allow evil" (and/or withhold good)? God is the christian's Heavenly Father. we sometimes want certain temporal things, but God knows that withholding them is actually better for us in some way. like esther can't understand the importance of her medicine right now, and just wants mama milk, we just want the things that will make us happy now, while God gives us what will make us happy and healthy in the long term.
furthermore, i am comforted by the fact that i know my heart is pained when esther wants mama milk but can't have it. it makes me want to cuddle with her a lot and show her that i really care. but i don't regret withholding it for 30 minutes. in the same way, God comforts the christian in our time of pain, and sometimes he helps us see why he withholds those seemingly good things (though sometimes, like esther, we are too immature to understand this).
there are a lot of things that i have prayed for recently that God has withheld. i'm sure when the 30 minutes are up, he will give them to me. but right now he is concerned for deeper things than i am. and i am glad that he would lovingly do that for me.