Sunday, August 22, 2010

i'm being watched

last night i had a very scary dream.  i dreamed that our social worker came over to our house and discovered that i accidentally left a knife out on one of our kitchen counters!!

as a foster mom, i cant shake this feeling of constantly being watched.  during our home study, every bit of my life was examined and scrutinized to determine if i would a worthy mother.  now that we have kids in the home,  i feel as though my every parenting action is scrutinized.

and this isn't too far from the truth.  we get feedback about every interaction we have with the kids in front of the social workers.  last week, we were criticized for letting the door almost close on one of the kids after leaving our agency's building.  i was questioned for letting our kids walk down our apartment hallway steps by themselves, without monitoring them closely enough.  they have suggested multiple times that we get kid leashes for them and often ask how well we are doing at handling all of them when we are out in public.  and yes, it was also pointed out to us the other day when we left a knife and a pair of scissors out on the counter.

furthermore, i have to report every bruise, cut and scrape that appears on their bodies (i have 3 boys under age 4... they get a LOT of minor injuries like this).  each time i feel guilty like i am doing something wrong... but it is because i take them to the park almost every day and i don't let them sit and watch movies all day like they used to!

i do understand why the social workers have to do all this.  but it still doesn't help me shake the feeling of being watched all day and all night.

one particular thing you can pray for is an observation that the county social worker (aka the one that doesn't like us) will be doing possibly sometime this week.  she is going to come over and literally determine whether or not she thinks i can handle 4 children at once.  if the answer is no, then they will take the older two boys away from us.

[don't get me started on the fact that doing this observation makes it seem as if alex is a non-existent parent.]


  1. After a few weeks of my own craziness, I finally have the chance to catch up on your blog posts. Frankly, I'm in awe. I would say that I don't know how you do it, but I have a feeling it might be the same way I do: one day (or one minute) at a time.
    I can only hope that the social workers are more understanding than they appear. Toddlers are experts at doing the exact thing you hope they wont do at the worst possible moment.
    For example, Ana is currently fascinated with Boo Boos. Sometimes I think she falls down on purpose just to get one, and is constantly checking other peoples' knees to see if they have any. Explain that!
    You are definitely in our prayers. Try and enjoy the quiet moments, whenever they exist, and watch for how your kids are growing and changing, even if it's not necessarily in the ways you want!
    - Emily

  2. sarah!!!! this is so frustrating to read as I know your heart and passion is in raising healthy and happy children, and this system is set up to make you second guess and feel so insecure in that fact, even though you are the model candidate for parenthood. I am praying for you and have the utmost confidence in your love for your four children.

    shahera (pinkyoda)