"the king’s heart is a stream of water in the hand of the LORD;
he turns it wherever he will." proverbs 21:1
if i didn't believe in God's sovereignty in all things, i think i would be going nuts right now. tomorrow is the court date for the kids, where the judge will most likely rule that the kids will go back with their mom. if so, we will be driving them there on wednesday, possibly never to see them again.
but the judge's heart is a stream of water in the hands of the Lord. God will turn it where he will.
the thought of them going home is a bittersweet one... on one hand i relish the thought of free time, sleeping in, relaxing, allowing my brain to unwind, not having to deal with their crazy behavior of recent and having much less housework to do. on the other hand, we already have had a taste of what their life will be like, and it is not something i want for them. i *know* that they would have a much better life with us... but that might not be God's ultimate desire for them. he may have a better plan to bring them through lots of hardship. in the past month or two i have grown much deeper in my attachment to the younger two, especially to lovely girl (to whom i am her "real" mom as far as she is concerned, she has spent two-thirds of her life with us) and i so want to be their forever mommy...
but i have a desire deeper than being their forever mommy... the desire that they would know Christ, delight in Him, treasure Him, love Him... and maybe God will choose to do that through a very rough life where his gift of grace and promise of new life will seem that much sweeter than if they grew up in a loving, nourishing, emotionally fulfilling home.
i have no idea what their future hold, but i rejoice that i can pray for them, and continue to affect them even if they are not living with us.
please take a minute to pray for all four of our foster kids. pray that they would come to know Christ. pray that God would turn the judge's heart tomorrow to make a decision that will ultimately lead them to know Him.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
april at our home
wow. i cant believe that it is may already. time flies when you are pregnant with four young kids in the home :)
april at our home was eventful (the story of our lives recently). for the first two weeks, the kids were in respite care at another foster home. during this time i got a lot done (things that i dont have time for when the kids are around)... major work on our garden, finishing our complicated taxes, lots of catching up on cleaning and laundry. i think i even took a nap or two :) alex and i also took a weekend trip to san diego which was fun. it was also a time for reflecting on things with the kids... i missed them, despite enjoying the break, and was able to think through what i want my last weeks with them to be like.
things with the kids have shifted pretty majorly since they came back. we expected a bit of a readjustment period, and our expectations were pretty accurate. in addition, not only were they thrown off of the normal course of things by the respite care, but even more so by the extra time they have with their mom these days (visits were formerly about 6 hours, now they are 48 hours long). since this change we has seen a dramatic increase in tantrums, whining, screaming, crying, disobedience and talking back in all of the boys. it has been a trial of my patience, as well as my understanding of the gospel. God has been very gracious to help me love them through it, reminding me that my sin is much more ugly than any of their behavior. he has also been gracious to forgive me when i am impatient and don't love them through it.
their next court date is coming up soon, may 10. we have been told that they almost definitely will be reunited with their birth mom at that time. on one hand i am eager for the craziness of having all of them in the house to be over, but on the other hand i am a bit sad for the kids... seeing how they come back from their parent visits is a bit of a reality check for what their life will be like living with their mom. we have also given a bit of thought as to the possibility of them coming back into our lives again. if they are reunited and something goes wrong and they go back into foster care, we would be the first to get a call to take them in. we would be open to it, but we would most likely only the younger two kids who we started out with originally. we feel, and several other people have also noticed, that these two have developed a special bond with us that the older two clearly do not have.
this has been a month of growth for me spiritually. i have been making prayer and bible reading more of a priority, which has been good. it hasn't necessarily been life changing every day, but more like a good discipline that is making me stronger over all. i have been reading through revelation, which is one of my favorite books of the bible, and thinking more deeply about some of the things in it (especially relating to the end times).
one very exciting thing for me this month has been (FINALLY!) starting my vegetable garden. in so cal, you are supposed to start seeds january to march, but i put it off for a while since we did not know whether or not we would be moving (it also didn't help that i majorly lack free time!). i am hoping that my late start wont mess things up. by God's grace, a couple veggie plants planted themselves earlier in the year, which means that we have a tomato plant that already has lots of flowers and 4 small tomatoes, as well as pumpkin plants with tons of blossoms. in addition, i have started seeds for butternut squash, sweet cherry peppers, basil, marigolds (flowers that ward off bugs that attack veggie plants), watermelon as well as more pumpkin and tomatoes. we are blessed with a ton of garden space, and i am hoping to make good use of it all.
baby costa is getting bigger. this week is the half way point in the pregnancy, which is fun :) i bought some maternity clothes this week and have started to wear them, its nice to have a bit more room for my expanding tummy. at an ultrasound about a week ago we found out that the baby is (most likely) a girl, so we can call her a "her". we have thrown around a few name ideas, and have possibly landed on one. finding out that the baby inside of me is a girl made my affections for our foster baby girl that much stronger. i want them to grow up together, to be best friends. right now i cant imagine life without her beaming smile, her silly walk, her cute crinkly nose and her room-brightening squeals.
april at our home was eventful (the story of our lives recently). for the first two weeks, the kids were in respite care at another foster home. during this time i got a lot done (things that i dont have time for when the kids are around)... major work on our garden, finishing our complicated taxes, lots of catching up on cleaning and laundry. i think i even took a nap or two :) alex and i also took a weekend trip to san diego which was fun. it was also a time for reflecting on things with the kids... i missed them, despite enjoying the break, and was able to think through what i want my last weeks with them to be like.
things with the kids have shifted pretty majorly since they came back. we expected a bit of a readjustment period, and our expectations were pretty accurate. in addition, not only were they thrown off of the normal course of things by the respite care, but even more so by the extra time they have with their mom these days (visits were formerly about 6 hours, now they are 48 hours long). since this change we has seen a dramatic increase in tantrums, whining, screaming, crying, disobedience and talking back in all of the boys. it has been a trial of my patience, as well as my understanding of the gospel. God has been very gracious to help me love them through it, reminding me that my sin is much more ugly than any of their behavior. he has also been gracious to forgive me when i am impatient and don't love them through it.
their next court date is coming up soon, may 10. we have been told that they almost definitely will be reunited with their birth mom at that time. on one hand i am eager for the craziness of having all of them in the house to be over, but on the other hand i am a bit sad for the kids... seeing how they come back from their parent visits is a bit of a reality check for what their life will be like living with their mom. we have also given a bit of thought as to the possibility of them coming back into our lives again. if they are reunited and something goes wrong and they go back into foster care, we would be the first to get a call to take them in. we would be open to it, but we would most likely only the younger two kids who we started out with originally. we feel, and several other people have also noticed, that these two have developed a special bond with us that the older two clearly do not have.
this has been a month of growth for me spiritually. i have been making prayer and bible reading more of a priority, which has been good. it hasn't necessarily been life changing every day, but more like a good discipline that is making me stronger over all. i have been reading through revelation, which is one of my favorite books of the bible, and thinking more deeply about some of the things in it (especially relating to the end times).
one very exciting thing for me this month has been (FINALLY!) starting my vegetable garden. in so cal, you are supposed to start seeds january to march, but i put it off for a while since we did not know whether or not we would be moving (it also didn't help that i majorly lack free time!). i am hoping that my late start wont mess things up. by God's grace, a couple veggie plants planted themselves earlier in the year, which means that we have a tomato plant that already has lots of flowers and 4 small tomatoes, as well as pumpkin plants with tons of blossoms. in addition, i have started seeds for butternut squash, sweet cherry peppers, basil, marigolds (flowers that ward off bugs that attack veggie plants), watermelon as well as more pumpkin and tomatoes. we are blessed with a ton of garden space, and i am hoping to make good use of it all.
baby costa is getting bigger. this week is the half way point in the pregnancy, which is fun :) i bought some maternity clothes this week and have started to wear them, its nice to have a bit more room for my expanding tummy. at an ultrasound about a week ago we found out that the baby is (most likely) a girl, so we can call her a "her". we have thrown around a few name ideas, and have possibly landed on one. finding out that the baby inside of me is a girl made my affections for our foster baby girl that much stronger. i want them to grow up together, to be best friends. right now i cant imagine life without her beaming smile, her silly walk, her cute crinkly nose and her room-brightening squeals.
Friday, April 22, 2011
good friday 2011
my father,
enlarge my heart, warm my affections, open my lips.
supply the words that proclaim 'love lustures at calvary'.
there grace removes my burdens and heaps them on thy Son,
made a transgressor, a curse, a sin for me;
there the sword of thy justice smote the man, thy fellow;
there thy infinite attributs were magnified,
and infinite atonement was made;
there infinite punishment was due,
and infinite punishment was endured.
Christ was all anguish that i might be all joy,
cast off that i might be brought in,
cast down as an enemy that i might be welcomed as a friend,
surrendered to hell's worst that i might attain heaven's best,
stripped that i might be clothed,
wounded that i might be healed,
athirst that i might drink,
tormented that i might be comforted,
made a shame that i might inherit glory,
entered darkness that i might have eternal light.
My Savior wept that all tears might be wiped from my eyes,
groaned that i might have endless song,
endured all pain that i might have unfading health,
bore a thorned crown that i might have a glory-diadem,
bowed his head that i might uplift mine,
experienced reproach that i might receive welcome,
closed his eyes in death that i might gaze on unclouded brightness,
expired that i might live forever.
O that my every breath would be estatic praise,
my every step boyant with delight, as i see
my enemies crushed,
Satan baffled, defeated, destroyed,
sin buried in the ocean of reconciling blood,
hell's gates closed, heaven's portal opened.
go forth, o conquering God, and show me the cross,
mighty to subdue, comfort and save.
-take from the valley of vision puritan prayer book, p. 42-43
enlarge my heart, warm my affections, open my lips.
supply the words that proclaim 'love lustures at calvary'.
there grace removes my burdens and heaps them on thy Son,
made a transgressor, a curse, a sin for me;
there the sword of thy justice smote the man, thy fellow;
there thy infinite attributs were magnified,
and infinite atonement was made;
there infinite punishment was due,
and infinite punishment was endured.
Christ was all anguish that i might be all joy,
cast off that i might be brought in,
cast down as an enemy that i might be welcomed as a friend,
surrendered to hell's worst that i might attain heaven's best,
stripped that i might be clothed,
wounded that i might be healed,
athirst that i might drink,
tormented that i might be comforted,
made a shame that i might inherit glory,
entered darkness that i might have eternal light.
My Savior wept that all tears might be wiped from my eyes,
groaned that i might have endless song,
endured all pain that i might have unfading health,
bore a thorned crown that i might have a glory-diadem,
bowed his head that i might uplift mine,
experienced reproach that i might receive welcome,
closed his eyes in death that i might gaze on unclouded brightness,
expired that i might live forever.
O that my every breath would be estatic praise,
my every step boyant with delight, as i see
my enemies crushed,
Satan baffled, defeated, destroyed,
sin buried in the ocean of reconciling blood,
hell's gates closed, heaven's portal opened.
go forth, o conquering God, and show me the cross,
mighty to subdue, comfort and save.
-take from the valley of vision puritan prayer book, p. 42-43
Sunday, April 17, 2011
rest.
the pastor of my church in ohio once made a comment in passing that has stuck deeply with me ever since. he said that the normal american thinks that life should be generally easy with periods of hardship every once in a while. however, the bible makes it clear that life on this sin-infested earth for the believer will be consistently difficult, but in the midst of that God promises periods of rest from time to time (and ultimately when he remakes the earth, there will be eternal rest for his followers).
i am on the precipice to the end of one of those periods of rest, with mixed emotions. for the past two weeks, the kids have been gone (part of the time in respite care, and then with their birth mom), but they come back today (possibly even before i finish this post!).
for the past few days i have been slightly dreading, slightly anticipating this moment. selfishly, i long for more days of a free schedule, getting ready for work with no one else to get ready, coming home from work to a clean house with no noise and no one to take care of, leisurely evenings spending time with alex, sleeping in on the weekends.
today that will change, and we will jump back in to the madness. but, "this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us a weight of glory beyond all comparison" (2 corinthians 4:17). we will jump back into the way that God has called us specifically to care for "orphans... in their affliction" (james 1:27).
as hard as it is at times to keep up with the kids, i LOVE that we get to point them to jesus in a way that they would otherwise not get. today i spent some time planning for this week leading up to easter, and how i can teach the kids how easter is about jesus and his resurrection and not bunnies and eggs. if they were living with their birth mom and not us, they would likely have zero input about the true celebration of easter (what is there to celebrate about bunnies and candy? but there is MUCH to celebrate about freedom from sin and loosening the chains of our bondage to death. praise Him!!)
this week in our community group we discussed in depth one of the more famous verses in the bible "and we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." (romans 8:28), and discussed how certainly the bad things but even the mundane things in life are being worked out by God for His glory and the believer's ultimate good. i find this comforting. sometimes it is easy for me to wonder why i spend hours a day changing diapers, doing laundry, cooking and running around after kiddos. i am a college educated woman, and i used to have an "important" ministry of daily sharing my faith and discipling younger believers. and now i spend my days doing this?? but i know that God is using this, and that he will use all time time i spend doing mundane things, when i could be doing really "spiritual" things for my good and his glory.
the next month or so (until the kids go back with their mom) will be hard. as much as i try to take it at a marathon pace, it will more likely be like a month long sprint. after that God will likely provide another season of rest, but then the craziness will begin again once we (Lord willing) have an infant in the house.
but i don't live so that life right now will be easy. i "look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. for the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." (2 corinthians 4:18). i want to work as hard as i can on this earth, and endure the difficulties, that God may be glorified. i will enjoy the brief periods of rest he brings, as i look forward to the eternal rest that He promises.
i am on the precipice to the end of one of those periods of rest, with mixed emotions. for the past two weeks, the kids have been gone (part of the time in respite care, and then with their birth mom), but they come back today (possibly even before i finish this post!).
for the past few days i have been slightly dreading, slightly anticipating this moment. selfishly, i long for more days of a free schedule, getting ready for work with no one else to get ready, coming home from work to a clean house with no noise and no one to take care of, leisurely evenings spending time with alex, sleeping in on the weekends.
today that will change, and we will jump back in to the madness. but, "this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us a weight of glory beyond all comparison" (2 corinthians 4:17). we will jump back into the way that God has called us specifically to care for "orphans... in their affliction" (james 1:27).
as hard as it is at times to keep up with the kids, i LOVE that we get to point them to jesus in a way that they would otherwise not get. today i spent some time planning for this week leading up to easter, and how i can teach the kids how easter is about jesus and his resurrection and not bunnies and eggs. if they were living with their birth mom and not us, they would likely have zero input about the true celebration of easter (what is there to celebrate about bunnies and candy? but there is MUCH to celebrate about freedom from sin and loosening the chains of our bondage to death. praise Him!!)
this week in our community group we discussed in depth one of the more famous verses in the bible "and we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." (romans 8:28), and discussed how certainly the bad things but even the mundane things in life are being worked out by God for His glory and the believer's ultimate good. i find this comforting. sometimes it is easy for me to wonder why i spend hours a day changing diapers, doing laundry, cooking and running around after kiddos. i am a college educated woman, and i used to have an "important" ministry of daily sharing my faith and discipling younger believers. and now i spend my days doing this?? but i know that God is using this, and that he will use all time time i spend doing mundane things, when i could be doing really "spiritual" things for my good and his glory.
the next month or so (until the kids go back with their mom) will be hard. as much as i try to take it at a marathon pace, it will more likely be like a month long sprint. after that God will likely provide another season of rest, but then the craziness will begin again once we (Lord willing) have an infant in the house.
but i don't live so that life right now will be easy. i "look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. for the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." (2 corinthians 4:18). i want to work as hard as i can on this earth, and endure the difficulties, that God may be glorified. i will enjoy the brief periods of rest he brings, as i look forward to the eternal rest that He promises.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
march at our home
wow, the past month has been crazy, but in the midst of it, God has been crazy gracious and kind to us.
where to start? first i will update on what is going on with the kids. after asking for them to be moved to a different home (due to my pregnancy and inability to keep up with them; we got the van issue resolved), they were supposed to be moved in mid-february. from mid february to early march they kept telling us that there were no homes available but that they were looking. at the beginning of march, they told us that they are going to try to expedite the reunification process and that the kids will most likely go back with their mom in early may. after praying and thinking about it, we decided to agree to keep them until may, because it would be best if they just have one stable home between being taken from their parents and going back to them.
however, since then it is really beginning to look like the social workers are just telling us what we want to hear so that they dont have to deal with the headache of moving the kids to a new home. the kids were supposed to start overnight visits with their mom more than a month ago, and now they wont be starting for another 2 weeks at least. we are pretty sure that no judge in his right mind will put the kids back with their mom after just one month of one over night visit per week. but in the midst of this, we know that God has a purpose for keeping them here longer and we want to be faithful to loving and serving them and teaching them about jesus while they are with us.
over the past two weeks, lovely girl and i have bonded in a big way. i dont know exactly what happened but we have just grown much tighter. i love the way that any time i get near her she clings on to my shins for dear life, or the silly, giggly faces she makes all of the time. her walking has exploded, and she went from taking a few steps here and there to walking all over the house all of the time.
this month middle brother had a birthday, which means that we no longer have two two-year-olds in the house (that was the case for about a month and a half)! now we are at an even 1, 2, 3 and 4 years old for the ages of our kids.
we have requested a week and a half of respite care, so tomorrow night i will be driving them to the homes they will be staying, and we will pick them up next friday. we have really needed a break for a while, and this is much needed. we plan to take an overnight trip to san diego next weekend (it will be our first outing alone since getting the kids last july!). in addition to relaxing, i will need to spend a big chunk of time figuring out our taxes (which will be really complicated this year due to the fact that alex started his business in november, and we haven't kept good financial records, shhh dont tell the irs) and getting a couple major things done around the house.
please pray for us, that we would be really refreshed with this time off and connect with one another and with God. please pray also that this would spur us on to finish our last month with them well, and that this time away would not cause us to take steps back in our relationships with them and influence on them.
our day to day life has also changed in a big way in the past month. at the beginning of march, i started up again at my job (i had told them that i could start again, thinking that the kids would be moved before march!). i am just working about 5 hours a day and the kid that i work with has pretty easy behaviors to deal with (this was literally an answer to prayer, praise God). this has been both hard and good. its hard to have to wake up and get ready and get out of the house at a certain time each day (while helping to get the kids ready as well). it is hard to be away from the house each morning since so much of my responsibility lies here. its hard to not be the main influence in the lives of my children any more (though we are very fortunate to have it work out that my mom is watching them while i am at work). on the other hand, i see God's grace in it a lot. the kid i work with is usually pretty good, so my mornings with him are not too stressful. even better, he usually comes about a half hour after i start and leaves about a half an hour before i finish, so i get paid for about an hour each day that i am doing nothing! when i come home, i usually feel pretty refreshed (minus my normal pregnancy tiredness), and ready to jump into taking care of the kids and keeping up with household duties.
another change is that alex isn't around nearly as much any more. this is because he started a second job about the same time that i started working again. he is really enjoying his job so far and is doing really well at it. an added bonus is that many of his coworkers are christians. he has to wake up at about 5am to get there and has a fairly long commute each way, but he doesn't complain at all. in fact we both feel that this really is God's grace to us in many ways; not only financially, but also in giving alex more structure to his day.
my pregnancy continues to go well, by God's grace. i am feeling less tired these days (though still more tired than my un-pregnant self) and much less nauseated. i have had fewer food aversions, which is also nice (especially since i am responsible for feeding 7 people 3 meals a day!). i am starting to show a little bit, which is fun. alex is especially excited for when i am showing even more and we go out places with the kids. the judgmental stares will be just great. (i have already gotten the comment, when people see the 3 boys and then lovely girl, "oh now you can finally stop")
that was march at our home! never a dull moment here with the costas :)
where to start? first i will update on what is going on with the kids. after asking for them to be moved to a different home (due to my pregnancy and inability to keep up with them; we got the van issue resolved), they were supposed to be moved in mid-february. from mid february to early march they kept telling us that there were no homes available but that they were looking. at the beginning of march, they told us that they are going to try to expedite the reunification process and that the kids will most likely go back with their mom in early may. after praying and thinking about it, we decided to agree to keep them until may, because it would be best if they just have one stable home between being taken from their parents and going back to them.
however, since then it is really beginning to look like the social workers are just telling us what we want to hear so that they dont have to deal with the headache of moving the kids to a new home. the kids were supposed to start overnight visits with their mom more than a month ago, and now they wont be starting for another 2 weeks at least. we are pretty sure that no judge in his right mind will put the kids back with their mom after just one month of one over night visit per week. but in the midst of this, we know that God has a purpose for keeping them here longer and we want to be faithful to loving and serving them and teaching them about jesus while they are with us.
over the past two weeks, lovely girl and i have bonded in a big way. i dont know exactly what happened but we have just grown much tighter. i love the way that any time i get near her she clings on to my shins for dear life, or the silly, giggly faces she makes all of the time. her walking has exploded, and she went from taking a few steps here and there to walking all over the house all of the time.
this month middle brother had a birthday, which means that we no longer have two two-year-olds in the house (that was the case for about a month and a half)! now we are at an even 1, 2, 3 and 4 years old for the ages of our kids.
we have requested a week and a half of respite care, so tomorrow night i will be driving them to the homes they will be staying, and we will pick them up next friday. we have really needed a break for a while, and this is much needed. we plan to take an overnight trip to san diego next weekend (it will be our first outing alone since getting the kids last july!). in addition to relaxing, i will need to spend a big chunk of time figuring out our taxes (which will be really complicated this year due to the fact that alex started his business in november, and we haven't kept good financial records, shhh dont tell the irs) and getting a couple major things done around the house.
please pray for us, that we would be really refreshed with this time off and connect with one another and with God. please pray also that this would spur us on to finish our last month with them well, and that this time away would not cause us to take steps back in our relationships with them and influence on them.
our day to day life has also changed in a big way in the past month. at the beginning of march, i started up again at my job (i had told them that i could start again, thinking that the kids would be moved before march!). i am just working about 5 hours a day and the kid that i work with has pretty easy behaviors to deal with (this was literally an answer to prayer, praise God). this has been both hard and good. its hard to have to wake up and get ready and get out of the house at a certain time each day (while helping to get the kids ready as well). it is hard to be away from the house each morning since so much of my responsibility lies here. its hard to not be the main influence in the lives of my children any more (though we are very fortunate to have it work out that my mom is watching them while i am at work). on the other hand, i see God's grace in it a lot. the kid i work with is usually pretty good, so my mornings with him are not too stressful. even better, he usually comes about a half hour after i start and leaves about a half an hour before i finish, so i get paid for about an hour each day that i am doing nothing! when i come home, i usually feel pretty refreshed (minus my normal pregnancy tiredness), and ready to jump into taking care of the kids and keeping up with household duties.
another change is that alex isn't around nearly as much any more. this is because he started a second job about the same time that i started working again. he is really enjoying his job so far and is doing really well at it. an added bonus is that many of his coworkers are christians. he has to wake up at about 5am to get there and has a fairly long commute each way, but he doesn't complain at all. in fact we both feel that this really is God's grace to us in many ways; not only financially, but also in giving alex more structure to his day.
my pregnancy continues to go well, by God's grace. i am feeling less tired these days (though still more tired than my un-pregnant self) and much less nauseated. i have had fewer food aversions, which is also nice (especially since i am responsible for feeding 7 people 3 meals a day!). i am starting to show a little bit, which is fun. alex is especially excited for when i am showing even more and we go out places with the kids. the judgmental stares will be just great. (i have already gotten the comment, when people see the 3 boys and then lovely girl, "oh now you can finally stop")
that was march at our home! never a dull moment here with the costas :)
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
culinary adventures of the week
i have been craving cereal like its my job recently. i finally found a recipe for granola that includes soaking (which makes it healthier and more digestible) so i can indulge my craving (why do i try to limit my whole grain intake?).
i definitely recommend it... especially since i already ate about half of one of the cookie sheets of it before it even cooled down :) if you are interested, i used this recipe (tweaked a bit) from one of my favorite blogs, passionate homemaking.
and later this week i plan to make homemade vanilla extract.
i definitely recommend it... especially since i already ate about half of one of the cookie sheets of it before it even cooled down :) if you are interested, i used this recipe (tweaked a bit) from one of my favorite blogs, passionate homemaking.
and later this week i plan to make homemade vanilla extract.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
3 things that have affected me this week...
...by shifting my focus off of myself and on to christ
1.) hope for your dark night of the soul - being a melancholy, i am all too familiar with dark nights. but i dont want it to be this way. i was affected by bob kauflin's story of a 3 year long struggle with deep hopelessness:
2.) Romans 8:1 sermon by my favorite man in the world - our church has studied romans 7 for the past few weeks, and debated over whether the "i" who anguishes over sin and slavery to the law in v. 13-25 refers to paul or is a literary device for non-believers. alex and i lean towards the later (much less popular) belief.
one of the reasons alex believes this, as he pointed out in his sermon, is that there is no other precedent in the NT where someone so heavily focus on their sin with so little hope. his exhortation to us was to passionately pursue christ and look to Him and not at our sin, and the sin will just seem to fall off.
you can listen to it here
3.) Francis Chan's Desiring God Pastors conference talk - wow this man is intimate with God. and it doesn't come from thinking about himself. it come from a passionate prayer for ONE THING: "to dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life and gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and inquire in his temple" (ps. 27:4)
Lord, let this be the one thing that i seek.
1.) hope for your dark night of the soul - being a melancholy, i am all too familiar with dark nights. but i dont want it to be this way. i was affected by bob kauflin's story of a 3 year long struggle with deep hopelessness:
About a year into the process I talked to a good friend, Gary Ricucci... I said, “Gary, I feel hopeless all the time.”
He said, “You know, Bob? I think your problem is that you don’t feel hopeless enough.”
I don’t know what I looked like on the outside, but on the inside I was saying, “You are crazy. You are crazy. I feel hopeless.”
He said, “No, if you were hopeless, you would stop trusting in yourself and rely completely on what Jesus Christ accomplished for you.”
That was the beginning of the way out. And I remember saying to myself literally hundreds of times—every time these feelings of hopelessness and panic and a desire to ball up in a fetal position would come on me—“I feel completely hopeless because I am hopeless, but Jesus Christ died for hopeless people, and I’m one of them.”
Over time I began to believe that. And today when I tell people that Jesus is a great Savior, I believe it, because I know that he saved me. That’s where my joy comes from. My joy comes from knowing that at the very bottom, at the very pit of who I am, it is blackness and sin, but the love and grace of Jesus goes deeper.
2.) Romans 8:1 sermon by my favorite man in the world - our church has studied romans 7 for the past few weeks, and debated over whether the "i" who anguishes over sin and slavery to the law in v. 13-25 refers to paul or is a literary device for non-believers. alex and i lean towards the later (much less popular) belief.
one of the reasons alex believes this, as he pointed out in his sermon, is that there is no other precedent in the NT where someone so heavily focus on their sin with so little hope. his exhortation to us was to passionately pursue christ and look to Him and not at our sin, and the sin will just seem to fall off.
you can listen to it here
3.) Francis Chan's Desiring God Pastors conference talk - wow this man is intimate with God. and it doesn't come from thinking about himself. it come from a passionate prayer for ONE THING: "to dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life and gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and inquire in his temple" (ps. 27:4)
Lord, let this be the one thing that i seek.
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