the past few weeks it has become more and more clear that we are most likely in a foster care situation with the kids, and not adoption (ie they are only going to be with us short term, and then be reunited with their mom.) this could change, but that is how it is looking.
this realization has brought a range of emotions and thoughts.
some days, i wonder why we are putting up with all of the grief from our social workers when this isn't getting us any closer to our "goal" of adoption.
on the other hand, it has instilled a (good) sense of urgency in me to not waste any time with them, especially relating to spiritual matters. i am trying to incorporate the gospel throughout the day: teaching them about jesus, the bible, sin and salvation. they are so young and we (probably) don't have much time with them!
sometimes i daydream about life without 4 kids. if they are reunited with their mom, i think i will sleep for four days straight afterward... that is how behind on sleep i am (despite the fact that i average 8 hours of sleep at night... but 8 hours is nowhere near enough for how much these guys wear me out!). if we didn't have kiddos, i probably wouldn't be battling my acid reflux so hard... something that i HATE because it is forcing me to be on OTC meds daily.
sometimes i daydream about life with maybe just two kids. maybe a girl just like lovely girl and a boy like little man. i would have plenty of time to spend with them... lots of tickles, lots of hugs, no stress... (i know, this is unrealistic... but i am allowed to daydream).
and then there are times that i just keep thinking over and over about how these guys really fit so many of the hopes that we had about the type of kids that would be placed with us. and i also think about how much work we have put into training and teaching them, and the big improvements we have seen in their behavior. and these thoughts make me sad to think that we might not have them with us long term.
but then i think about things i would like to do as a homemaker that i do not have time/energy/mental capacity for ever since being blindsided (in a good way) with four kids. and i think about how i would spend my days differently if our family situation was different.
and i think about the guilt i feel for not spending enough time with them, not having as much direct impact on them as i would like, and then i feel like it would be better for them if they weren't with us (and they would probably agree... they ask for their "number one mommy" every single day, multiple times a day).
there is really no point to this post, just some rambling thoughts. but ultimately i do have to say, i am so thankful that God has instilled in me a deep belief in and trust in His sovereignty (though its still an area i need growth in). otherwise, i would be going nuts right now. He already knows the future of these kids, and already knows what we need in serving them.
thank you Jesus for being the same yesterday, today and forever, in the midst of my ever-changing life.