Springtime in our Home

Springtime has seen our home grow more full, in more ways than one.

Most literally, our home is fuller by the addition of baby Zion Ezekiel, born in March.  For the first few weeks he started out as a fussy baby, but since then he has decided that the world is not such a bad place after all, and he is generally quite calm.  He started smiling a few weeks ago, and since then is a delight to tickle and coo over and play with.  He sleeps really well as long as he is in his bed.  In fact, he sleeps so well that for almost a week now he has slept solid 11-12 hour nights without waking!  I'm not saying this to brag, I'm saying this because I am shocked.  Hudson didn't start consistently sleeping all night until a few months ago.  I have heard other people saying they have two month olds sleep all night but I didn't know that could happen in like, you know, real life.  This is probably the most nights I have slept all night without being woken up since Hudson was born.  It's very good to sleep.

Alex calls him smiley Ziony.  It
kinda rhymes.  Kinda.

Our lives have also become more full with the reopening of the community garden.  Right now, I am going to the garden several days a week, working mostly on planting and weeding at this point.  I am hoping things calm down once summer comes, but of course there is always more to be done!  We have already harvested radishes, lettuce and basil (for this year's first batch of pesto- yum!  And it's not even summer yet!).

Our home (or at least our garage!) is more full right now as we got 32 chicks in the mail about a week ago.  Half are meat birds, and the other half will be layers.  We ordered enough chicks that our hatchery threw in a free rare breed chick.  Based on the look of the chick, something like this:

 We are guessing it is a white crested black polish chicken, which as an adult, should look something like this:

I was pretty much giddy when I saw this pic.  I can't wait to have a chicken walking around in our yard that looks like that!

Home birth and hospital birth: my (hopefully non-controversial) experiences with both

Back when I was pregnant with Esther, I did lots of reading on birth and birth styles.  The conclusion I came to was that the best choice for her and for me would be to have an unmedicated home birth.  However, our insurance situation at the time was such that only a hospital birth was covered, which for financial reasons was the route we decided to go.  Fortunately we had a good midwife, and though our hospital stay wasn't the best (though not terrible) it was short and manageable, and we were able to give birth unmedicated.

Fast forward to Hudson.  Same story with insurance, and a move led us to a new midwife and new hospital.  I really liked our new midwife and this new hospital was certified baby friendly, which made for a much better experience.  In fact, I would even say I enjoyed our hospital stay.

This time when I got pregnant, two things changed: we were now with Samaritan Ministries, which "shares" home birth at 100% (it's not considered insurance, so you can't say "covers" but pretty much the same idea), and my midwife was in the process of moving to a new city.  So this time around the hospital would cost more, and our midwife would not be able to attend.  Though I like my OB, I would prefer a midwife and I don't think there are any other hospital based midwives in our town (and the other upside to my previous midwife is that she was in the same office as my OB).

Long story short, after talking to a lot of people and weighing our options, we settled on a home birth.  It wasn't an easy decision like it would have been with a previous birth, this time I felt that there were some legitimate upsides to the hospital, but in the end I wanted to at least try a home birth so that I could know what it is like.

Right away, I was happy about our decision.  The two biggest reasons were that I really liked the midwife we chose and because having prenatal appointments at home made life so much easier.  I didn't have to find a sitter or even carve out that much time from my day.  The visits lasted about 45 minutes and I didn't have to drive anywhere or wait in a waiting room.  My midwife would even include the kids in on the exam as helpers which they enjoyed and provided them with a learning opportunity.  Another upside is that the whole appointment was face time with my midwife, which allowed for plenty of time for questions and conversation about life and pregnancy.  I would probably say that the prenatal visits were the biggest upside of the home birth experience for me.

When it came to the birth, the biggest upside was not having to make the transition to the hospital.  We now live 15 minutes from our hospital, which isn't the terrible one-hour drive we had with Esther but certainly not the very easy less than 5 minute drive we had with Hudson.  Even a five minute drive isn't fun because there is the decision of when exactly to leave, which for me is as close as possible to the birth without being too late.  In all honesty, the way things went this time I might have had the baby in the car.


Since it was a home birth, my midwife came when contractions were still relatively easy (which ended up being about 2 hours before the actual birth), as she knows my history of fast births.  This is different than hospital midwives who want to come after you are ready to push.  The problem with that for me is that by time I am ready to push, the baby is minutes from being born.  I was worried about feeling like a watched pot with her there, but she mostly laid low in a different room while I labored, only coming to check the baby's heart tones every half hour or so, meanwhile getting everything set up for the birth.  And in the end, Zion came fast enough that even her assistant didn't make it in time, so we all agreed that it was good that she came early when things were still easy.

I also really appreciated that right after the birth, I could crawl into bed, my bed.  And that first night, I didn't have to sleep across the room from my husband, knowing that he was getting a terrible night's sleep.  Instead we were all snuggled up in bed together.  I loved it.

There are some things that are more convenient in the hospital: a closer bathroom, a bed that sits up at the push of a button and the nice rolling table that sits your food, book or computer right in front of you while you lay in bed.  I also didn't love having to take mine and my baby's vitals by myself (my midwife did a check right after birth, at 24 hours and at 3 days, but in between those checks it was up to us).  They weren't necessarily difficult but its just more reassuring when someone else is doing them.

So what will we do in the future?  All things considered, home birth seems like the better option for us.  In a number of ways, it is easier, especially as our family grows, and especially given my history of relatively fast deliveries.  However, if there is ever a compelling reason to have a hospital birth, that will be a fine option for us as well.

Zion's birth story

I woke up at 6am on Friday March 18 with regular, mild contractions that were maybe 5 or 10 minutes apart.  I dozed off in between each but after about an hour I realized I was probably in labor and decided to get up and get my day started.  Things continued to progress and I lost my mucus plug, but then the kids woke up.  And when they got up my brain was like "Hey, I can't have this baby now, I have a life to live!"  We already had plans for free breakfast at Chick-fil-a and a morning full of errands.  With my mind on other things, my contractions slowed down significantly.  I called my midwife and updated her and she said it should be fine to run a few errands, as along as I didn't get "too far from the nest".  I didn't tell her that Chick-fil-a was a good 25 minute drive.

But we got through our morning without things progressing much.  We got home at lunch time, and soon after the kids were down for rest time/nap time.  I scurried around the house finishing last minute things to make the house feel in order and ready for the arrival of a baby (and a week with little cleaning).  I made an early dinner and by time that was done I was to the point of not being able to do much besides give in to labor.  My mom took the kids to a park and I got into the bathtub to relax (I have done this with each labor and it feels great!).  Towards the end of my two(!) hours in the tub my midwife arrived.  The kids came home and Alex put them in bed, and I felt like I could finally relax and just have the baby.  The contractions started getting stronger and I felt like I might be nearing transition, so I decided to get out.

I went downstairs and laid on the couch with Alex and tried to watch some March Madness with him as a diversion.  He texted my friend who was serving as doula to come, as contractions were strong enough that I was wanting some more support to get through them.  For the next 45 minutes or so I continued to lay there with the two of them helping me through each one, as they were getting progressively stronger.  I could feel that I was getting really close to transition so I decided to get up and go to the bathroom and then we would head up to the bedroom (where my midwife had been setting things up for the birth).  Standing up must have caused Zion to move down in a big way because I had a really intense, really long contraction.  It must have been audibly intense because Alex came to check on me.  After one more powerful contraction while I walked around the living room, they helped me to move upstairs.

We got up there just in time because I began to feel a really strong urge to push right when we got to the bedroom. Two pushes later my water broke, and then Zion was born one push later.

I was in a daze after he was born but I remember one of my first reactions was surprise at his light eyes and hair.  For some reason I had it in my head that all of our boys would have dark hair like Hudson and Alex, but Zion's appearance was very similar to Esther's at birth.  After a couple hours of cuddling and nursing, my midwife did his exam he was 7lb even (a half an ounce more than Esther at birth).

It has been a pretty laid back week since he was born and we are thankful.  We are in love with our new little Zion Ezekiel!

June in our Home: In Pictures

This month's update will be in pictures.  I just got a nice camera before we left for Portugal, and I have been loving it so much!

Here are some highlights from this month, in pictures.

Hudson got his first haircut this month.  Here is a before picture:

And here is after...

Whoops.  Botched that a bit.  In my defence, Hudson was squirming too much to do it the "right" way, so he just ended up getting more or less a bowl cut.  Alex says he looks like this:

We also moved into our new house this month.

 And met some of our new neighbors.

(That's a bison.)

Settling is taking longer than I would thought, so I haven't taken many pics of the inside yet, but here is one of our entryway.  Please come visit if you haven't yet.

The first week of June we were in the Azores, Portugal visiting family.  Here is Esther swinging in the yard of our hotel.

And here she is exploring flowers at a huge royal garden on the island.

Too many beautiful flower pics.

And Hudson being cute.

I have tons more vacation photos (about 2000 to be exact) so I hope to post more eventually!

Thought on the coming persecution

Friday's supreme court decision has really thrown me for a loop.  Not because it was unexpected (it wasn't) but because it has really gotten me to think about persecution.  And for as much good as I logically know persecution does for the individual and the Church, I'll be honest, it scares me.

In the coming years, we are going to see two things happen: churches who preach against homosexuality will be in danger of losing their 501(c)3 status and speaking against this sin will become a hate crime.  The first will cripple many churches financially, and the second will cause many faithful Christians to be sent to jail.

But the government will be generous.  If only a church will refuse to preach the whole counsel of God and bow instead to government regulation, they will be allowed to continue on.

This reminds me of Christianity in China.  Churches can either be government registered, and have to follow government rules about what they can do and teach, or they can be independent (and therefore, illegal) and worship God without government regulation.  Pastors of illegal churches are often thrown in jail.  Meetings have to be secret and there is always the thread of intrusion by authorities.  You see, the Chinese Government wants to be god.  And churches that dare bow only to the True God and not to the Chinese god feel the wrath of this human institution.

Even more, this reminds me of early Christianity.  Early Christians were persecuted in large part not because they worshiped a different God (the Romans had a whole pantheon of gods and didn't mind adding one more) but because they refused to worship the god of the Roman government: Caesar, the one god they were required to worship.

Reading in Daniel this morning, I was struck by two verses.  The context is an uprising by a major enemy of God.

"He shall seduce with flattery those who violate the covenant, but the people who know their God shall stand firm and take action. And the wise among the people shall make many understand, though for some days they shall stumble by sword and flame, by captivity and plunder" (11:32-33)

And what is the final end of this enemy of God and his people?

"And he shall come pitch his palatial tents between the sea and the glorious holy mountain. Yet he shall come to his end, with none to help him." (11:45)

So let us stand firm on the Word of God and not fear.  Let us not be man-pleasers and conform the Bible to what is currently popular and accepted.  In the end, there is only God.  The US government, and all governments will have their end in time, but He will not.

Sorry SCOTUS, nice try thinking that you have the power to define marriage.  There is only One Creator of marriage, and He created it to be for one man and one woman.

The End of a Sprint

The end is in sight.

We started on a sprint back in February. That month, we started raising money for the community garden we hoped to build.  Around that time, I took on responisbilities for two big events at church.  In March, we started looking for a home to buy, and made the decision to travel to the Azores, Portugal at the of May to see Alex's family (he hasn't been there in 27 years, and I have never been there or met most of his family).  In April, we broke ground on the community garden (and once we started, Alex worked 30-50 hours per week on it, and it took the majority of my free time as well).  In May, our sprint hit a fever pace as we started packing for our move, finished enough of the community garden to get it open, called our loan company often enough to make sure they got things done in time for our closing, closed on our house, and packed suitcases for our trip to the Azores.  All of this was on top of church and home responsibilities that were already keeping us quite busy before the sprint started.

But you can't sprint forever.  And the end is in sight.  Our vacation is almost over, and while it was relaxing in many ways, as is usual at the end of a vaction, you look forward to getting back to normalcy.  When we get home, we will have three days to finish packing and move into our new home.  So one last push, and we will be finished with the majority of the work we embarked on a few months ago (we still need to finish some things on the garden, and then of course there will be the work of making our new house a home).

But God has been very good to us in this very full season.  All of these potentially stressful things could have caused difficulty in our marriage, but instead, it has strengthened us as we have worked hard side by side.  God used this time to strengthen my prayer life (which is still so, so far from where I want it to be) as I have sought to emulate the example of George Mueller who found it necessary to devote more time to prayer in difficult seasons, when our temptation is to pray less.  And we have both felt God's sweet blessing in many ways, as he has made our community garden vision come to reality, allowed us to visit family that we have been trying to see since we got married almost 7 years ago, and given us our first home (even though we know its just temporary, for the next 4ish year we are in Bloomington).

Here are a few pictures from our vacation.  I definitely plan to write more about that (it was absolutely wonderful!) so look for more to come on that.

Alex and Esther walking down a beautiful cobblestone sidewalk.

Behind Hudson is a picture of a small island created by a volcanic eruption.  It is hard to see in this pic, but in the middle is a lagoon, almost perfectly round, the mouth of the volcano.

Hudson on the beach.  The sand is very dark, made from volanic rock.

Beautiful flowers in front of a beautiful waterfall.  I think I have several hundred pictures of flowers from our trip.

And espresso.  Lots of espresso.

We did it!

A big THANK YOU to everyone who was a part of our kickstarter campaign for the community garden we are building!  With just 6 hours to go yesterday, our campaign received full funding.

Our future garden site!

Part of me feels relieved, like we can just kick back and relax now.  But actually, the opposite is true.  The hard work is over, now the really hard work starts.  Now that the funding is in and the weather is warming up, its time to roll up our sleeves and get to work on building this thing.  Today a big truck is going to back up to our tiny apartment and deliver enough 8' fence to surround the whole garden, along with two 8'x6' gates.  In the next few weeks Lord willing and weather permitting we are going to be building and installing a fence, a shed, water pipes and a new spigot, compost bins and raised bed gardens, among other things.

Did I mention that at the moment Alex and I own a hammer and power drill and that's about it for tools?

But we are not alone in this effort.  Some forty people have already offered help (and I hope they were all serious because we need it!!).  And God raised the money, God can raise the fence.

Will you please pray for us?  This is possibly the biggest project we have ever embarked on.  Pray for patience, wisdom, enough help, good weather and fun.  Lots of fun :)

Soli Deo Gloria!

Our Community Garden Vision

Six months ago, Alex and I had a crazy idea.  What if we started a community garden?  We already knew the location: our church has over 200 acres of land and we were hopeful they would let us use some to start the garden.  And we felt like this would be the right place to serve our community, as it is right down the street from a very large low-income apartment complex (with lots of international students and young families).  It would be a great way to build inroads into our community and be of practical service to our neighbors. Around this time we also found out about a new bike path that the city was building right through this same area! This would be another draw for people to garden on this land.

But there were some major hurdles to be cleared: coming up with a proposal and blueprint for the garden, getting it approved by our elders, raising the money for materials and gathering people to volunteer to help build the garden.  Did I mention that we know almost nothing about community gardens?  I visited a community garden that my friend had a plot in while we lived in California, and last summer I had a plot in a garden on the other side of town.  But... that's pretty much it.

We worked hard coming up with a proposal (and by "we" I mean Alex as he's done most of the work on this whole thing).  And finally it came time to propose it to the elders.  We really didn't know if it would be approved or not (among other barriers to it being passed, our church gets much needed money from renting out our currently unused acreage to a farmer).  And to be honest, I almost didn't want it to pass... I knew it would be a lot of work on our shoulders if we had to turn this dream into a reality.

It passed.  And I prayed for strength from God to carry this increased load.  But though I knew it would be hard work, I was also excited to have something so big to trust God for, to depend on him completely for.  It has been a while since I have had to do something where I thought "If God doesn't move in this, then this is going to completely fail."  While that is a scary place to be, it is also a place where you get to see God move the most.  As George Mueller once wrote "Faith does not operate in the realm of the possible. There is no glory for God in that which is humanly possible. Faith begins where man's power ends."

[Side note: I highly recommend reading The Autobiography of George Mueller.  This is one of my favorite books as it is very faith building and challenging]

Since the proposal passed (and that was just two months ago), we have been working on various aspect of this project almost daily.  We read a book on how to start a community garden and started a kickstarter campaign. We started to spread the word about the garden and have about 10 plots filled and 40 people willing to help build!  

I find that I am being amazed daily with how God is working.  Raising up 40 volunteers?  This is at least double what I could have hoped for.  Just this past weekend he put us in touch with an organization that is probably going to donate the fruit trees we need for the mini-orchard we are hoping to have in the garden.  And just today we passed 50% of the funds we need through our kickstarter campaign.

Will you join us in this work?  Would you consider:

1. Praying for us.

2. Sharing our kickstarter campaign on your social media of choice.

3. Giving to our fundraising campaign.  We have just one week left to raise up the last of what we need.

Thank you!

February in our Home

Where to start when you have stepped away from blogging for so long?  And it hasn't been intentional... many (most?) days I think to myself "I need to blog about ___".  I have the notes scribbled on scraps of paper, in my journal and in various binders to prove it.  I've had glorious plans to write down some deeply moving thoughts (they're always deep and moving in my head) I've had on race and racism, the Bible's portrayal of motherhood, on marriage, school choice, sin, loving people who are far from Jesus, and (of course) adoption.  I always have a blog entry on adoption somewhere in my back pocket...

And I don't really know where to start up again.  So I'll just talk about life... where we have been the last few months and where we are going.  And- as usual- life is quite dynamic right now. It seems that life really is never the same for too many months on end for us, as is often the case when you have little ones, but especially for us as we continue to follow Jesus and take uncomfortable steps of faith on a regular basis.

Sometimes its enough to make me want to take a nap just thinking about it.  But what would life be if not for following Jesus?  And why keep life comfortable here when you can store up treasure that will last for eternity?

Where have we been?

The past few months have been full of much toil. Not anything crazy, just the day to day demands of two young children (who are currently sharing a bedroom... with sleep schedules that aren't quite compatible...), and serving at church.

We were supposed to move to a three bedroom apartment in our complex last month but things fell through with that. It was a disappointment, as we were really looking forward to a bigger space, but the main reason we wanted to move was for fostering, which is on hold at the moment.

But not on hold by our choice. Our county child services office is really busy and understaffed at the moment (really, though, what is new?) so we've pretty much been told that we are a low priority to certify since we are limited to a narrow age range (by our choice- we are sensitive to the needs of our biological kiddos in this area).  In California, this was never an issue.  But here in a small county, I guess they can be pickier.  And at the moment, we aren't making the cut.

Plenty of other ministries are keeping my schedule full for the moment, though. I am doing greeting and data entry for BloomingMoms (our church's moms group), childcare scheduling for Sundays, coordinating Wednesday evening childcare, social media marketing for Encores, a consignment sale that raises funds for BloomingMoms, childcare coordinating for our summer conference and working to start a community garden, in addition to things I just attend, like Bible study. While being a part of a church plant was a lot of work, being a part of an established church is even more work, we're coming to find, though we have a lot more administrative tasks and less shepherding than we did before.

Where are we going?

There are so many plans on the horizon that it is actually quite exciting. We are looking into buying a house for the first time ever. We've been married 6.5 years (exactly, tomorrow! :) ) and have always rented. And I've been fine with that... its cheaper, gives us more flexibility,etc.  But for the first time we both really want to "settle down" for a bit. Even if just for the next four or so years while we are here. We are hoping for a bigger place suitable for more hosting and where my mom can live with us again. And even though I am terrible at decorating, something besides white walls would be gladly welcomed at this point. And a piece of land that is ours to do with as we please (chickens? a garden? play area?).

Another area we are dreaming in is the area of adoption.  With our county not caring to certify us, we are thinking about looking into other avenues of orphan care.  Specifically we are considering pursuing an international adoption. No details on that yet, but we're going to continue to look in to it and see where God leads.

The biggest thing on the horizon is the community garden.  At the moment, we are working on a kickstarter campaign to raise the funds that we need.  Weather permitting, we can break ground some time in mid-March to start building.  And also weather-permitting, we hope to open the garden for the season sometime in the spring.  More details on this to come!  But please be in prayer for us in this.  Its a step of faith and we look eagerly to see our Father to provide for it to happen.

2014 in review, Part Three

In this final part of my reflection of our past year, I will focus on our ministry.  The year started with little to no defined ministry roles: not only were we were new at our church, but we also needed some time to just catch our breath, and said no to a few things we were asked to do early on.  But once we felt like we had our footing established, we started to take on a few roles.  Here is a sampling of some of the ministry we took on in the second half of 2014.

*Teaching four-year-old Sunday school.  Together, we teach the four-year-olds during the Sunday school hour, which we both love.  The kiddos are a lot of fun.  Alex enjoys being "on" for the kids and easily gets their attention with his energy and humor.  The curriculum we are using is wonderful, very God-centered.  Alex usually does the teaching while I lead singing and scripture memory, and occasionally put together a craft.  Not only is four a fun age, but an added benefit is that we are learning how to teach and interact with the age that Esther will be soon.

*Community Garden. Through a number of different factors, God gave us the desire to propose a community garden to our church.  This will be on our church's property, and will serve not only as a benefit to members of the church, but it will also be open to members of our community.  Our projection is that we will have more non-church members than members, which we are hoping will lead to stronger ties into our community. Alex has been putting together plans for a while, and formally proposed the plans in December.  The elder board approved the plans, and we are hoping to have it up and running by April 15th of this year! A lot has to happen between now and then, so please be in prayer for us.  This is the biggest step of faith we have taken in a while, and I am excited to see God answer our prayers and glorify His name through this ministry.

*BloomingMoms greeter. At the start of this school year, I began help with our church's moms group.  I like being a greeter because it helps me get to know the moms who come that aren't a part of our church.  It has helped me to stay outward focused when our group meets, rather than talking to people I already know and to remember who to pray for.  This has also been a great way to meet all of the new women who come.

In addition to what I mentioned above, Alex was in charge of the men's retreat at our church a couple months ago and I have been helping with nursery scheduling (a BIG undertaking at a church with over 100 kiddos under the age of 5).

2014 in review, Part Three

Yesterday I mentioned how our lives have been developing spiritually this past year.  This has also been a great year for our family.  Here are some of the things God has been doing in our family in 2014.

*Moving. We're gearing up to move in 2 weeks.  This will be our third move in the past 13 months (and if we buy a house this year that will be yet another move!).  It was so nice living in the same house in California for over 3 years... it was the first time since the beginning of college that I hadn't moved on a yearly basis.  Well, this year has made up for that!  All I can say is that moving a lot is helpful to continually get rid of unwanted/unused items and to stay flexible.  That being said, I hope God settles us down for at least a few years (until we move again after Alex is done with classes!).  For the first time since we've been married I've had a desire to settle, decorate the house, cultivate a garden on our own soil and establish ourselves somewhere.  Also, moving a lot is entirely unhelpful for having a ministry among your neighbors.

*Hudson's birth.  He came 3 weeks early, at the end of March and has been a blessing and a joy ever since.  Esther took a few weeks to warm up to him but now she absolutely adores him and always asks to play with him as soon as he wakes from naps.  I'm glad for her sake she has a "permanent" sibling- she's had two foster siblings come and go since she was born (both of whom she also adored).  He's by far our worst sleeper so far, but I know its just a season of life and we need to be patient.  He's a very eager and active baby, not waiting any time at all to crawl (started at 5 months 5 days old!) and will very likely be walking before he turns one.  Everywhere we go he gets tons of compliments on his eyes, which are so dark brown that you can't even see his pupil.  He is also frequently called "pretty", which is Alex's least favorite "compliment" for him.

*Fostering. 2014 was the first year since 2010 that we haven't had any foster placements, but not entirely by our choice.  We started the re-certification process a few months ago but have been more or less ignored by overburdened social workers.  So it may take a few more months until it happens (moving is also one of the steps in the process that has to happen).  We are looking forward to getting placements again, but selfishly I am hoping for Hudson to start sleeping through the night (like solid 12 hours of sleep) before that happens... so please pray that his sleep improves.  There are two other families at church who are certified or in the process, and its nice to again have local friends who we can relate to in this area (a strong support system is crucial in fostering).

*Alex's work.  Our move, combined with a few other factors, has allowed Alex to start a business based off of his computer.  He runs this website with a friend and sells stuff on ebay, among other things.  This work is something he's wanted to pursue for a while and is a blessing as it allows a lot of flexibility to pursue ministry and take classes.  It will also provide income for us to go overseas in the future (Lord willing).  Its also the most enjoyable job he's had in years, which is a blessing to our whole family to see him doing something he enjoys.

*Parenting.  One of the strengths of our church, and one reason we wanted to move here is godly parenting.  Over our first full year here we have certainly grown in that area.  Two big ways I have grown in being better about disciplining our children (its always easy to make lots of excuses as to why you don't need to discipline, all at the expense of the child) and to show more affection.  Though these things may seem opposite, they are actually hand in hand, as they reflect the severity and kindness of the Lord.  I am also learning about training children in godliness and teaching them about God and the Bible.  Seeing how much progress we've made this year, I am excited to learn more in the coming years.

2014 in Review, Part One

2014 has been a breath of fresh air for us.  Its the first year since the beginning of our marriage that has not been trial after trial after trail.  Which is not to say that its been all easy, but compared to years past, much more so than we are used to.  So here is a peak at certain areas of our lives this past year and how God has been working in us, specifically in the area of our faith.

*Repenting of sin. As Martin Luther said, "The whole of a Christian's life is one of repentance".  So its not that repentance is new or different this year but that by God's grace, he's still convicting me of sin and I'm still repenting of sin.  Among other things, I have been convicted of a lot of fears this year, fears that keep me from taking steps of faith, especially in ministry.  I have been convicted of a lot of pride, especially since we are at a new church and in a new town and making new friends... I have spent way too much energy thinking about how I want people to think of me and how I want to be respected by others.  There are many more, but these are two that come to mind that God has been working on in me.

*Boldness.  God has been using some people in my life who are very bold about sharing the gospel to encourage me to be bolder in speaking up on spiritual matters (here is one example, and here is another).  The main thing that keeps me from being bold is fearing what people will think of me.  But God continues to press on me that life is short and eternity is long, and if I keep quiet I'm not changing anyone's eternity, just making my short life here on earth a bit easier.  And even if at times I err on the side of being too bold, I would rather fail in the right direction than fail in the wrong direction of constantly fearing people and never speaking up about what I believe.

*Humility.  Along with repentance, shouldn't this be a constant theme in every Christian's life?  By God's grace it is in mine, but especially this year.  I have been learning so much being surrounded by so many older, more mature Christians at our church, which has really been humbling, especially coming from different churches and groups in the past where I was usually more mature than the average person.  But its nice to just sit back and learn from others and not have to have all the answers to questions all of the time.  I think this is part of the reason I haven't been blogging as much of late... I feel like I'm just soaking a lot in and don't have so much to pour out at the moment.

Photo credit: Ryk Neethling on Flickr

*Bible reading.  Sigh.  I hate setting goals that I don't accomplish.  Its really humbling (see above).  This is the fourth year I have attempted the M'Cheyene bible in a year plan and the fourth time I have failed.  (Although in my defense for good reasons... each time I have failed its always been because of a new birth or foster placement gets me off track until I'm so far behind that I eventually give up).  This time I have decided to finish no matter how long it takes (I have about 1/3 of the OT left, so not really that much to go.  I decided to only read the NT once, though the M'Cheyene plan has two full readings of the NT) and I don't think I'm going to attempt the Bible in a year again, at least not for a long time.  Reading that much every day feels like a burden and doesn't play on my strengths: I much more prefer to read shorter passages and study them in depth.  I read the bible most days of the week (I love being up before the kids and getting to read and pray for a bit!) but 4 chapters per day is unrealistic, especially for how slow of a reader I am.  So I'm going to finish up the OT so that I can say I have read the whole Bible, but I plan to do a different kind of study after that this year.

Would you have spoken up?

It was such a typical conversation.  I wasn't surprised to hear it.  But my reaction did surprise me.

I was at the farmer's market today with Esther to buy some bulk honey for some Christmas presents I plan to make.  Now, the critical information that you need to know here is that Bloomington is a very liberal, crunchy, atheistic town.  And in our much beloved liberal, crunchy, atheistic town (and we really do love it here) the farmer's market is like the Sunday worship where all the like minded people meet on a weekly basis.  So being as such, it was no surprise that there was a table there to protest some deer killing going on at a local park that is apparently over-ridden with deer.

I happened to be by the table for a minute and overheard a very passionate conversation going on.  Two women and a man were going on about how pro-life people only care about babies inside the womb, but after they are born, they couldn't care less.  Their words oozed with pride at how much they clearly cared for children and how right their stereotype was.

Now, I have heard statements like this before, and I usually don't speak up, because I doubt that my opinion can change anything.  But as they went on and on, my blood began to boil as I though of the years of my life that I have spent in full time service to kids (out of the womb!!) in need through foster parenting.  In fact, I have met many foster parents over the years and know for a fact that there are many more pro-life foster parents than pro-choice.

I decided that living in the town that we do, their stereotype had probably never been challenged, so without much forethought of what I was going to say, I spoke up.  "Excuse me, I don't think that you can say that all pro-life people don't care about babies after they are born.  My husband and I are foster parents and have sacrificed a lot to serve children in need.  We care about children both in and outside of the womb."

Their response was to play this off, that I was the exception to the rule.  But I stood fast.  I wanted to ask them how many of their liberal friends had sacrificed years of their lives to serve foster children, but instead, I just said, "No.  Its not even most pro-life people who don't care about babies outside of the womb." To which they finally backed down to saying that some pro-life people don't care about babies outside of the womb, since "they wont vote to give more money to schools".

We ended the conversation cordially, they asked about Esther, she gave them her favorite line ("I'm free") and after a minute she and I walked away.

Some thoughts from this interaction:

1. Money is different than your time and your life.  It is one thing to vote to give a little more of your paycheck to kids in need (especially when the brunt of the money is going to come from someone else's paycheck and not your own.)  It is a vastly different thing to sacrifice your time and your life to serve kids in need.  Children in need usually come from broken homes.  They don't need money so much as positive relationships, true mother and father figures in their lives.  But most people would rather throw a little money at them and feel like they did a good thing to prevent these children from starving, when in reality the real starvation is for love, not food.

2. Evangelism - As I walked away from the conversation, the man followed me.  He stopped me and asked how many kids we have.  I told him that we have two biological children and have been able to serve six foster children.  He told me (this is pretty much an exact quote) "I am ok if you have two biological children as long as you don't have any more."

Um, excuse me, when did it become polite conversation to tell someone else how to run their family?  But I wasn't surprised to hear his opinion on this.  You see, in our culture, anyone but Christians are allowed to share (even push) the tenants of their religion.  For the man I talked to today, the gospel of his self-made religion is all about abortion, politics and family size.  But if I had turned around and tried to share the Biblical gospel with him?  I would have been seen as pushy and intolerant.  This is a double standard and Americans needs to wake up and see it as such.

3. Deer vs. Babies - The irony didn't phase me, but people, can we please all notice that they are giving their time to protest a few deer being killed, but celebrate babies being killed?

4. Did my speaking up make a difference?  Should I have even said anything?  This is a question I discussed with Alex after we got home.

In the end we came to the conclusion: yes, it was a good thing.  Honestly, I do think my words affected the two women.  They even thanked me for sharing my thoughts before I walked away and seemed to truly take in the things I said.  I probably didn't change their mind, but they might think twice before loudly sharing their opinion on this topic again.

But more than changing people's opinion about politics or even abortion, I want people to hear the true gospel, that Jesus Christ died to save sinners, including prideful baby-haters like them, and prideful rule-lovers like me.  And I didn't get to share that with them today, but we prayed for them that this conversation will prepare them to hear gospel and accept it in the future.  Who knows, maybe God will even allow me to be the person to share it with them.

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today we arrived in Bloomington, having moved here from California.  We were a bit beat up and battered: our incredibly difficult 4.5 years was topped off by an even more stressful moving process.  The week of our move was one of the hardest weeks of my life.

But after that week we finally got here.  We didn't have a home yet, but God graciously provided one within a few days.  We were fortunate to already have a good, welcoming church, but didn't yet have any good friends.  We had hopes for our new town, new church and new life, but didn't exactly know what to expect. 

When I look back on this year, there is a verse that very clearly describes what God has done in our lives:

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:10-11

Our "little while" was our time in California.  Though painful for 4.5 years, it is but a blink in the light of eternity.  And God is gracious, because after our time of suffering, he has used this year to "restore, confirm, strengthen and establish" us.

A lot has happened in this past year.  We added another member to our family.  We moved twice (with a third move planned for next month).  We made friends, and will say a sad goodbye tomorrow to one of the families we have become closest to, who are making their own big cross country move.  We have grown in our love for God and holiness.  We have grown in our abilities as parents.

But most of all, I thank God for rest.  Not every moment has been easy, but much easier than it has been for a while.  I am thankful for a time of spiritual recovery, as we get ready to jump back into the battle.

Because, as John Piper says, "Life is war".  And times of rest are just preparation to get back into the fight.

My first time protesting at Planned Parenthood

A few years ago, there is no way I would have done this.

Protest at Planned Parenthood, that is.

You see, while I was against abortion in theory, I gave into the typical American thought that abortion clinic protesters are mean, angry and graceless.  I felt that protesting at a clinic wouldn't change people's minds and would just harden people against Christianity.

What changed?

A number of things have changed in the past few years that would bring me to the point of wanting to protest at an abortuary, but probably the biggest motivating factor is how God has increased my compassion for the weak and helpless, and shown me through His word how big of a priority it is to him.  One example (of many) is Deuteronomy 27:18-20.  If you look at the larger context of these verses, God lays out curses for disobedience and blessings for obedience.  Of the 12 specific curses listed, three of them have to do with preying on the weak and innocent.  The number of curses in this category is only surpassed by curses for sexual perversion.

When it comes to defending the helpless and the weak in our day and age, few others in the world are more helpless and weak than an unborn baby.

It helps me to think of it this way.  If there were concentration camps in our country, and it was legal to protest outside of them, would you do it?  There are places as bad as concentration camps in our country.  I stood outside of one today, and at least 10 lives were taken in there this morning.  I cannot keep silent.

But even though I knew it was right to go, I was still a little nervous going for the first time.  What would I do?  What should I say to the people?  Would they get angry or violent?

My heart raced as the first car pulled into the parking lot.  It was a college-aged white girl and her mother.  Before I could say anything one of the other women said "You are a mother to this baby already!  Please, don't do this!  Don't kill your baby!".  And I lost it.  That college girl is a mother.  Its easy to just think of her as a young girl with an inconvenient pregnancy. But no, she is a mother, like I am a mother, and at that moment she is going to end her baby's life.  I was crying and praying for her, praying that God would change her heart, and help her to repent of this sin, and turn to Him and raise her baby to know Him.

After the first car it was a lot easier.  Or did my heart just get a little more hard about the reality of what was happening?  I didn't cry any more, but I did  do a lot of praying.  I prayed for the clinic, and for each woman who went inside and each man who sometimes accompanied her.  I prayed for them to repent of their sin and turn to God.  I thought about how each of them will have to stand before God one day and answer to him for this sin.  And I hope that Jesus' blood will cover each and every one of them for what they have done to their children.  I hope that they will all see their children in heaven one day.

One thing that really saddened me this morning was the racial make-up of the women going for abortions.  Alex and I have remarked a number of times since we moved here on the severe lack of black people we have seen around town.  But today, about half of the women were black.

But why should I be surprised?  The founder of Planned Parenthood was a supporter of eugenics.  She once said, "Colored people are like human weeds and are to be exterminated".  And she would be happy to hear that her vision is still being carried out today: blacks make up 12% of the US population, but account for 35% of all abortions.  At this rate, the black vote in America will be insignificant by 2038.  Some people call it black genocide.

At one point a delivery truck pulled into the parking lot and the driver went in to drop something off.  As she got into her truck to leave, I wondered, "What does she think of us?  Is she cheering us on or mad that we are trying to restrict 'women's rights'"?  As she pulled by me, I was surprised to see her smile and wave.  She called out the window to me (as I was the only person there with a baby in arms) "That's better than any sign you can carry!"  It was a refreshing encouragement.  Maybe I didn't have all of the right words to convince people to turn around, but even just standing there, loving on a baby was an active protest.

No, don't listen to the Planned Parenthood workers.  Its not just tissue.  Its a baby.



Last week I made the phone call to DCS to get us started with getting re-certified for foster parenting. And there is always a little trepidation in my heart with this step.  Will I have the time/energy/ability to love on another little life?  Don't we already have enough on our plate as it is?  But today was a helpful reminder of what is most important in the world.  Defending the weak and needy is important. We want to actively participate in loving and defending those children, whether they are in or out of the womb.

June in Our Home

Midway through this month we moved into an apartment complex 3 minutes from our church.  Not only is the rent just over half of what we were paying at our old place, its only about 1/5 of what we paid in California! Another plus is that 8 other families from church live in this complex, giving Esther tons of other kiddo friends to play with.  We also have a little postage stamp sized back yard now, which is just big enough to dry some laundry and give Esther playing room.  And when that's not enough, there are several play sets around the complex within walking distance.

Hudson turned a bit of a corner in June, moving from wanting to be held constantly while awake to playing on the floor or bouncy seat for 10-15 minutes here and there (but still wanting plenty of snuggle time :) ).  He also moved from very little personality to lots of personality.  He's quite smiley, as his sister was at this age, and loves to converse (in oohs and aahs of course). 

This month has been a funky mix of I-feel-like-we-should-be-past-the-newborn-stage, but why-can-I-still-not-get-anything-done-all-day!  I have a never ending list of sewing projects, books to read, blog posts to write, work outs to do, but most days I'm just keeping my head above water with keeping people fed and clothed.  Its meant to increase my trust in God, to keep me humble as I realize how finite I am.  It keeps me repenting as I keep feeling like I could be the perfect mom if only I didn't have these kids to care for!

And it has also been a month of thinking about and looking forward to getting back in to fostering.  We heard from friends who are also foster parents that every single house in our county is at full capacity for foster kiddos.  It breaks my heart and makes me want to sign up tomorrow.  But on the other side, there is fear.  How will fostering affect Hudson and Esther?  What if we adopt a child who never comes to love and know and fear God?  What if we get a very fussy/difficult baby?  What if...?  There is so much to trust God for, to seek him in.


Books I started this month (but yet to finish!)

Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austin

Don't Make Me Count to Three! by Ginger Plowman

Christian, why are you playing it safe?

When I talk to people about foster care, the number one thing I hear in response is "I commend you for being a foster parent, but I could never do that.  I would be so sad when the kids leave!"

I get it.  I get that feeling.  I too want to protect my heart.  I want to keep it safe, keep it hidden, keep it close.  I don't want to pour out my love, my time, my energy, never getting any return for it when the kids leave.  I don't want to cry.  I don't want to wonder what their life is like when they are gone.  I don't want to bear the burden of finding out later that after their parents got them back and moved them away, things blew up in their family again and they are back in the system.  And I can't do anything about it.  And I don't even know where they are sleeping at night or who is tucking them in or if anyone is even tucking them in.

I don't want to care.  Because caring hurts.  I would rather ignore the problem and play it safe.

© 2009 Dare*2*Dream, Flickr | CC-BY-SA | via Wylio

But the reality is that there are almost a half million children in the foster care system in the US today.  More than a third of them are adoptable if someone would step up.  And thinking about these numbers crushes me.  Because I know that it is more than just a massive number, that each precious one has a face, a story, a name.  And I am reminded of this by thinking about the six little ones that we have been able to serve so far in our time as foster parents.  And I know that each one of these nearly 500,000 children is precious, made by God, with potential to know Him and be known by Him.

And then I think about how my God is the Father of the fatherless.  I remember that he has tender care for the orphan, the afflicted and the needy.  And I think about how he has transferred his heart, his compassion for "the least of these" to my heart, and that I need to reflect his love for them by pouring out my life for them.

Most importantly, I remember that Jesus says that he came to bind up the broken hearted.  That implies that it is an expectation that as Christians, our hearts will be broken.  If you do any kind of ministry, any thing to serve others, your heart WILL be broken.  But the good news is: Jesus will bind it up.  And each time he binds up my broken heart, I find that it is actually a better heart than it was before the breaking.

So, Christian, don't play it safe.  Don't keep your heart in a little protective box, away from the sin and dirt of the word.  Put it out there.  Let it get stomped on, kicked around and beaten up.  Because you have the promise that Jesus will bind it up, and the promise that our work for the gospel and the inevitable trials that come with it will be rewarded in heaven.

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:16-18

What is Christian Contentment?

Recently I read The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment by Jeremiah Burroughs with some ladies from my church.  The inspiration for this series is largely from that book, and most of these writings are paraphrased or summarized from Burrough's writing in this book.

"I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.  I know how to be brought low and how to abound.  In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.  I can do all things through him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:11-13

"I can do all things through him who strengthens me."  This is a beautiful verse, but what does it mean?  Unfortunately this verse is all too commonly taken out of context, as Christians wave it around and print it on t-shirts to show that they can run a marathon or pass their finals or whatever because Jesus gives them strength.  This isn't Paul's intention with writing this at all.


The context of his writing is dealing with hardship and trials in life.  And Paul's trials were more difficult than a marathon, and much harder than the average American Christian will ever face:  

 "Five times I received at the hands of the Jews the forty lashes less one. Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked; a night and a day I was adrift at sea; on frequent journeys, in danger from rivers, danger from robbers, danger from my own people, danger from Gentiles, danger in the city, danger in the wilderness, danger at sea, danger from false brothers; in toil and hardship, through many a sleepless night, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure." (2 Corinthians 11:24-27 ESV)

But through all of this, he was content.  How? Because he had learned to do all things through him who strengthened him.  This kind of settled state of heart is not possible apart from the grace of God.

What does this kind of contentment look like in the Christian life? Burroughs defines contentment like this:  "Christian contentment is that sweet, inward, quiet, gracious frame of spirit, which freely submits to and delights in God's wise and fatherly disposal in every condition" (p. 19).  There are a few things I will point out from this definition.

*It is an inward thing.  Sometimes I am able to keep my mouth from grumbling, because I know that complaining is a sin.  But is my heart content?  Or am I filled with grumbling, bitterness and discontent, though I keep peace outwardly?  This inward malcontent is as evil as outward complaining.

*It is quiet.  This does not exclude making a prayer to God about our burdens, or groaning in the spirit of the Psalmist.  But a quiet heart is sedate and still before the Lord, which is a result of trust in Him.

*It freely submits to God's work.  Have you ever been to a chiropractor? If so, you have probably felt that what the chiro is doing during an adjustment is not natural, potentially painful.  The hardest thing for me is to get my neck adjusted.  Every fiber in my body says that I should tense up and not allow my head to be whipped to the side while my neck crackles up and down my spine.  But I have to force myself to relax, trusting that the chiropractor isn't going to break my neck (and guess what, he never does!), and is actually helping me.

This is what it is like to freely submit to God.  We trust that he is doing good, even when in our eyes, what he is doing seems scary or unwise.  A heart that trusts like this relaxes and freely submits to his work.

*It delights in God's work.  Many times we can look back and praise God for the good he wrought in a past hardship.  But the truly contented heart praises God for what he is doing in a current hardship, even if there is no way to see the good he is bringing out of it at the moment.  Burroughs puts it this way, "The height of this art of contentment to come to this pitch and to be able to say, 'Well, my condition and afflictions are so and so, and very grievous and sore; yet, through God's mercy, I am in a good condition, and the hand of God is good upon me notwithstanding" (p. 34).

He sums it up this way: "Whatever particular afflictions God may place us in, we must be content with them" (p. 37).

What are your current afflictions?  Is your heart at peace or do you grumble about them?  Do you delight in God's work in your life in this trial?  Is your heart still before God in this trial?  Take time to confess and repent of any sin that God reveals in this, and ask him to give you a heart of deep contentment, which is only possible by his grace.

May in Our Home

Hard to believe that this month has already come and gone.  Harder still to believe is that our little man is already 2 months old!  We are starting to get into a rhythm with Hudson, which has made for a fairly predictable nursing and sleep pattern (emphasis on fairly :) ).  I also made an exciting discovery which has made carrying him much easier (he's over 13lb now and getting to heavy for the Moby and sling, but not quite big enough for the Ergo, which is a much more comfortable wear)... I can wear him in the Ergo in a cradle hold position (ie sideways, with his head sticking out of the top but two feet hanging out of one side).  (If you try this, be careful because its not a recommended carrying position by the manufacturer and baby could potentially slide out of the side, but I always wear him snug and usually have one hand resting on him all times to help be aware of his position, so this hasn't been an issue)

The shirt just about sums it up...

Our garden is starting to sprout and grow.  So exciting!  But as our plants grow, so do the weeds.  So, we've also been weeding a lot this month.  But the work is already paying off: we got our first harvest this past week!  The quick growing, cool weather crops are what have come in first: radishes (which didn't do super well because I failed to thin them), lettuce, swiss chard and spinach.  Eating that first salad with baby lettuce greens and radishes was very satisfying.  And delicious. :)

Have you ever tried to get through the day with only three functioning brain cells?  I have.  Or at least that is how this entire month has felt.  A combination of getting to bed late (due to Alex's job), having trouble falling asleep, waking up at night to nurse, choosing not to nap in order to get stuff done around the house, carrying a fussy baby all day, choosing not to drink caffeine to help with aforementioned fussiness and giving all my body's needed nutrients to milk-making has left me feeling like a zombie most of the day.  Each day my to do list barely got touched as looking at it made me want to take a nap.  I know this is normal with a newborn, but I do hope that something changes soon because I'm getting behind in a lot of the big picture homemaking tasks I hope to accomplish (though, thankfully, the small picture tasks of laundry, dishes, cooking, etc are happening).  So, we are still at the point of just making it through the day each day.  I am content with that (for now) but hope it changes soon.

I did manage a small sewing project the last couple days of the month.  Esther has become quite motherly in the past 6 months, and even more so since Hudson was born.  One thing she likes to do is to "change" her stuffed animal's diapers with our cloth diapers.  So I decided to make couple doll sized cloth diapers for her to play with.  I thought she would be really excited about it, but she basically ignored it when I showed it to her after I was done.  Buuut... hopefully she grows into it. :)