Christian, why are you playing it safe?

When I talk to people about foster care, the number one thing I hear in response is "I commend you for being a foster parent, but I could never do that.  I would be so sad when the kids leave!"

I get it.  I get that feeling.  I too want to protect my heart.  I want to keep it safe, keep it hidden, keep it close.  I don't want to pour out my love, my time, my energy, never getting any return for it when the kids leave.  I don't want to cry.  I don't want to wonder what their life is like when they are gone.  I don't want to bear the burden of finding out later that after their parents got them back and moved them away, things blew up in their family again and they are back in the system.  And I can't do anything about it.  And I don't even know where they are sleeping at night or who is tucking them in or if anyone is even tucking them in.

I don't want to care.  Because caring hurts.  I would rather ignore the problem and play it safe.

© 2009 Dare*2*Dream, Flickr | CC-BY-SA | via Wylio

But the reality is that there are almost a half million children in the foster care system in the US today.  More than a third of them are adoptable if someone would step up.  And thinking about these numbers crushes me.  Because I know that it is more than just a massive number, that each precious one has a face, a story, a name.  And I am reminded of this by thinking about the six little ones that we have been able to serve so far in our time as foster parents.  And I know that each one of these nearly 500,000 children is precious, made by God, with potential to know Him and be known by Him.

And then I think about how my God is the Father of the fatherless.  I remember that he has tender care for the orphan, the afflicted and the needy.  And I think about how he has transferred his heart, his compassion for "the least of these" to my heart, and that I need to reflect his love for them by pouring out my life for them.

Most importantly, I remember that Jesus says that he came to bind up the broken hearted.  That implies that it is an expectation that as Christians, our hearts will be broken.  If you do any kind of ministry, any thing to serve others, your heart WILL be broken.  But the good news is: Jesus will bind it up.  And each time he binds up my broken heart, I find that it is actually a better heart than it was before the breaking.

So, Christian, don't play it safe.  Don't keep your heart in a little protective box, away from the sin and dirt of the word.  Put it out there.  Let it get stomped on, kicked around and beaten up.  Because you have the promise that Jesus will bind it up, and the promise that our work for the gospel and the inevitable trials that come with it will be rewarded in heaven.

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Growing Empathy for Foster Children

I don't love everything about this video.  But I do think it is a great starting place for having empathy for children in the foster care system, which is especially helpful for foster parents dealing with the type of outbursts in the video...

Lord, please raise up more foster parents who love you and foster as ministry!  Please give all of us foster parents abounding love and patience with these precious children.

Faithful Families and their Extraordinary God

[First of all, I have to give credit for the title of this post to Noel Piper's great book].

For anyone who has considered adoption (especially foster care adoption) this is a great article from the New York Times: God Called Them to Adopt.  And Adopt.  And Adopt.

I read this article last week and have been thinking about about it a lot ever since then.

On one hand, I find it really encouraging.  I am so spurred on to hear about these families willing to adopt one, two, three (or more!) special needs kiddos from the foster care system.  When most people adopt, they just want the typical kids, the ones with the least amount of problems as possible.  But these families have intentionally sought out the ones that no one else wanted (which is exactly what God has done with believers... sought us out and saved us and adopted us when no one else wanted us, in the midst of our mess and problems).

On the other hand, I found it eye-opening, sobering and a bit discouraging.  Somehow, I believe that things with foster kids get easier after an adoption is finalized, or at least after they are in a healthy/typical family for a few years.  Its a reality check to realize that it might be hard for years to come (though certainly not always).

And for a few days after reading it, I felt really discouraged.  I wondered, "How could I ever do that? Should we even pursue foster care adoption if these things are a possibility?".  I think this hit especially hard right now because of how high needs baby boy R is.  And with him, we know that he is leaving in a couple weeks, but could I commit to a child who might be this high needs for years to come?

And then God helped me to realize something.  These families aren't special.  Sure, God may have created them in certain ways to make their life situation more doable (for example one of the moms mentioned not needing much sleep at night).  But ultimately, there is nothing in these families that no other believer has access to.  They adopt because God first adopted them.  They adopt because God gives them the love and the strength to care for their children.  God has adopted all believers, and can give any one of us the strength to do the most difficult ministry, including adopting a high needs child.

And that was a little bit of a relief.  And also a bit scary.  Because to get us to the point where we could do something that difficult, God would need to do a lot of work.  And I don't know if I want to be stretched that far.  But only God knows if we will ever adopt, and if we do, what it will be like when that happens.  And whatever he does, it will be for our good and the good our children.  And I can base my hope on that truth.

[If you haven't yet, I encourage you to read the article God Called Them to Adopt.  And Adopt.  And Adopt. whether or not you have considered adoption or foster care.]

Should Every Christian Couple Consider Adoption?

[This was an email I sent to a friend, slightly edited from the original, in answer to her question "Do you think the question for Christian couples is not 'Should we adopt' but rather 'Should we not adopt?'" Note that the conversational tone of the writing is precisely because it was originally an email.]

Your question is a hard one and one that I have thought about some.  To be clear, since God has given us a desire to adopt, I would say that its hard to give an unbiased opinion to this question.  When God gives you a passion for something, its easy to wonder why everyone else doesn't share the same passion... but that is because we are the body of Christ with unique giftings and callings.  I think that adoption is great and I wish more Christian couples would consider it.  Adoption is on the rise in the past few years in Christian circles, but I can't help but to think about the 200,000 kids in the US alone who are still without a permanent home and ready to be adopted today if a couple would step up.

To start out, one question every Christian couple definitely should ask is, how does God want us to be relationally involved in caring for orphans?  Giving money to organizations that support orphans is good, but the wording of James 1:27 ("visit orphans and widows") has me convinced that God wants us to be in the lives of widows and orphans. In fact, it was a result of meditating on the word "visit" and praying about what it meant for us that lead Alex and I to pursue adoption so early on in our marriage.    

I think a good second question to ask after that is to ask does God want us to adopt as part of our relational care of orphans?  There are lots of programs and organizations that care for orphans.  But no volunteer work or ministry, nothing will ever come close to type of whole life blessing a family can give to an orphan through welcoming him or her into their home.

In light of this, I wish that more people would realize how easy it is to adopt.  I really think that we are in a unique time in history where many factors have come together to make this easier than at other times.  There are so many myths about adoption and I think people shy away because they think its hard.  And on one hand, admittedly, it IS hard (the emotional side). But logistically, its easy (though you have to be patient because it takes a while... but growing a baby in your womb also takes a while!).  Because of airplanes, its easy to fly to another country that is a half a world away and get connected with a child in need, and bring him/her back to your house.  Because of the abundance of orphans in the US, the government has made it easy to adopt by paying all of the expenses for an adoption through the foster care system.  There are 3 different types of adoption available to couples in the US (international, domestic private, and foster care) and numerous adoption agencies that can connect you to any one of these types, and advise you and help you in the process.  There are also a myriad of books and resources about adoption, from every topic ranging from the biblical basis for adoption, to how to attach to an adopted child to how to care for child with a different ethnic hair type than your own.

This is also an unprecedented time in the history of the church because couples also have control of their  fertility through various birth control methods (but not the pill).  Now, I hesitate to say this because I think birth control is over used in many Christian families and that many couples are limiting their family size for ungodly, worldly reasons (like the desire for money, comfort, ease of life).  But at the same time, I see birth control as making it possible for couples to plan when to have children, allowing the space in their lives to allow for adoption (whether before, after or in between bio kids).  

To be clear, I don't want to sound like its more important or more godly to adopt than to have bio kids, because bio kids are a blessing even if you have 20 of them (though some people will try to tell you that you are overpopulating the world and glare at you and tell you that you can "stop already now"... and I know this because it happened to me when we only had four kids).  But the difference is now, couples can pray and ask God if he wants them to limit bio kids for the sake of adoption, where in the past that wasn't even an option.  And I don't see why he wouldn't want some Christians to do this, in light of the fact that there are millions of orphans worldwide.  I hope that he changes the hearts of many Christian couples who are thinking about following the typical American "two and done" route with kids to expand their willingness to sacrifice and lay down their lives to increase their family to four, five, six, seven, for the sake of giving every orphan a home.  For us personally, we don't see bio kids and adopted kids as mutually exclusive, and hope to have lots of both, by God's grace and with the measure of strength he grants us to do so!

So maybe the right questions for Christian couples are "How does God want us to relationally care for orphans?" and "Is adoption part of that?" and thirdly, "Because of the unique ways that God is making it easier at this point in history to adopt, is there any reason why we should not pursue adoption?"  Any couple asking these types of questions is on the right track.

Visiting Orphans and Widows

Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world. James 1:27

What does it mean to visit orphans and widows?  While the Bible does command Christians to care for the physical needs widows and orphans, this verse commands us to take this to the next step: God wants Christians to be relationally involved in the lives of widows and orphans.

Coming from a Western mindset, most of us see poverty in terms of material things: poor people don't have stuff (clothes, food, etc) so the solution to the problem is to give them stuff.  This belief is the basis for welfare, medicaid, food stamps, food banks, health clinics and many non-profit organizations in America to help the poor.

The problem is that many poor people suffer not just from physical/material poverty, but also relational and spiritual poverty as well.  The later two are often the cause of the former, and addressing relational and spiritual poverty often results in resolution of material poverty.  God wants Christians to minister to the whole person: relationally, materially, and spiritually.  This is the basis for his command to visit widows and orphans.  Its one thing to give money to a homeless person or a poverty-relief organization, but its a completely different thing to be relationally involved in the life of someone in need.

1. Invest into kids without a Dad (or a Mom). 
When the Bible often refers to orphans as the "fatherless".  This is because a child without a father is missing a significant part of his or her life.  Furthermore, a child without a father is likely to grow up in poverty (that was definitely true in Biblical times, but studies show that is still true, even in when fatherlessness is caused by divorce and not just death).  In our day, missing fathers are epidemic, and missing mothers are becoming an increasing problem as well.

Children (of both genders) growing up with a single parent still need the influence of the absent opposite sex parent.  The Church has an important duty to provide that influence and close adult relationship in the lives of children with a missing parent.  Being regularly involved in the life of a child without a mother or father is a blessing beyond measure to them (and to their single parent!).

It is important to note too, that consistent, long-term investment is what is needed in the lives of fatherless (or motherless) children.  Making up for the deficit of a parent is not a task that can be done with a spare few hours per year.

2. Come alongside a foster family, love on their children.
Being a foster family is hard.  Foster families are faced with a litany of uncertainties and injustices in the foster care system.  Foster children often need more time and attention than typical kids, and parents can use all the help they can get in order to make this happen.  Coming along side a foster family, whether by babysitting, making them meals, helping with housework or even just being a listening ear when things get hard is a blessing to both the foster parents and the children in need in their care.

3. Help regularly at an orphanage.
I say regularly, because like I noted above orphans need relationships, not just handouts.  There is a group of people from our church who visit several orphanages in Mexico on a monthly basis.  I have heard of other people who "adopt" an overseas orphanage and make it a point to visit once or twice a year for an extended period.  When doing short-term missions trips like these, it is important that you make sure you are helping without hurting.

4. Adopt or do foster care.
This is becoming a popular avenue for orphan care in the US, and I thank God for that.  Many orphans have found life long homes and families through adoption, and many foster children find great second families in their foster families (or, if things go that direction, they could eventually be adopted by their foster family).  

Foster children are an invisible, hurting population in our country.  Currently, there are a half million foster children in the US, most of whom have already experienced more pain than you or I could imagine.  Legally, they might have parents, but unless they are in a good foster home, in all practical senses of the word they probably don't have parents. These children are faced with instability (often changing homes several times per year) and a litany of injustices inflicted on them in a system that sometimes does more harm than good.  While changing the system is hard, you can change lives by being a stable, loving home in the midst of the chaos of their world.

Adoption is bar-none the best and deepest way to care for the whole orphan (physical, relational and spiritual needs).  In this sense, it far outshines all the other types of orphan care.

Adoption Myths (part 2 of 2)

(Continued from part one here.  Myth #1 Adoption costs tens of thousands of dollars. Myth #2 Adoptive moms can't breast feed their babies.)

3. Its almost impossible to adopt a newborn.
This depends on the type of adoption (see my explanation of the different types of adoption here).  For overseas adoptions, this is true, because the paperwork can take months to finalize, so realistically you will not be taking home a newborn.

As far as domestic private adoptions, these are almost exclusively of newborns.  Adoptive parents pick up their baby from the hospital, and in some cases may even be present at the birth, or within hours of the birth.

For foster care adoption, the answer is yes and no. Because the first priority in the foster care system is to reunite children with their birth families, babies are not usually adoptable as soon as they are born (there are a few exceptions to this, such as when a mother signs away her parental rights at the hospital. I have a cousin who was able to adopt a baby in this type of situation). In other situations, adoptive parents have to be open to taking a baby who may or may not be adoptable, and support the possibility of reunification until reunification happens or is terminated.  As far as the availability of babies in the foster care system, it does depend a bit on where you live (in an urban vs. rural area), but suffice it to say, we have only ever waited a few weeks, tops, for each of our foster placements.

What are the chances that a baby in the foster care system will become adoptable versus being reunited? I'm not sure a number can be easily quoted (though someone somewhere probably knows it). Our has been that we have had two babies so far, but that neither have been adoptable (but God has used our time with those babies for good, even when it didn't turn out as we hoped). We are now on our third baby, and its too early to predict if this baby might be adoptable or not. However, we seem to be a bit of an anomaly, as about 90% of the couples we know have adopted the first child that has come into their home. So there is risk involved, but for the believer who trusts in God's sovereignty, this risk is mitigated by the knowledge that God is in control. We always say "If God wants us to adopt this baby, there is a 100% chance that we will adopt".

4. Adopted kids are damaged goods.
I have never heard this stated in exactly these words, but people will often imply that they don't want to adopt because adopted children are messed up in some way. The biggest thing that people comment on (especially in the foster care system) is whether a child has been prenatally exposed to drugs (even though children prenatally exposed to drugs rarely have life-long effects from this).

It is true that adopted children face unique challenges.  If nothing else, they must mourn the loss of the birth family, and sometimes there are other wounds that must be healed. However, growing up in a fallen world, all children face some kind of hardship. The job of parents is not to protect their children from all hardship, or avoid welcoming children into their family who have faced some hardship, but to equip their children to deal with the hardship they will inevitably face, and to love them well at their lowest times.

Many, many adopted children grow up to be productive, emotionally-stable adults. Examples of famous adopted people include Nelson Mandela, Steve Jobs, Faith Hill and Dave Thomas (founder of Wendy's).


Have you heard any of these myths?

Adoption Myths (part 1 of 2)

We are approaching our fourth year of pursing adoption. During this time I have heard a number of myths about adoption in America repeated over and over. Like most myths, they are believed because people repeat them over and over, not because they are true.

I have found that some of these myths are based on the type of adoption that a couple is pursuing. For the sake of clarity, let me describe the three types of adoption available couples in the US:

International Adoption- International adoptions have become more popular through the influence of famous adoptive parents like Madonna and Angelina Jolie.  International adoptions are facilitated through an agency in the US who works with various overseas orphanages. Adoptive parents have to travel overseas (sometimes several times) to meet the children and finalize court proceedings before the children are allowed to be brought to their adoptive home.

Private Domestic Adoption- Private domestic adoptions usually happen through an adoption agency.  A mother with an unwanted pregnancy will approach the agency to help find an adoptive family for their child.  Usually a pregnant mother is presented with several prospective adoptive families from which to choose.

A less common type of private adoption is when a family adopts a child without the help of an agency (just child/family lawyers). There is usually some kind of connection between the birth and adoptive families.

Foster Care Adoption- This is the type of adoption that we are currently pursuing. Foster care adoption involves adopting a child through the US foster care system. Sometimes adoptive parents foster for a period of time before adopting, providing the child(ren) a home while they are pursuing reunification with birth parents. If reunification doesn't work out, these families will adopt the child in need. Other families choose to adopt a child for whom reunification has been terminated (these children are usually older, at least 5 or 6 years of age, but often older). There are 200,000 children available for adoption today through the foster care system, and 500,000 total foster kids in the United States.

With these different types of adoptions established, here are some of the myths that I have heard:

1. Adoption costs tens of thousands of dollars.
This is true of private adoptions (whether domestic or international) but not foster care adoptions.  Private adoptions are expensive because the litany of legal fees.  International adoptions add the cost of multiple flights to the county a couple will be adopting from among other things.  Domestic adoptions add the cost of the birth mother's hospital bills among other things.

However, this is emphatically not true of foster care adoptions.  To the contrary, adoptions through the foster care system are free on the legal end of things. Furthermore, children adopted through the foster care system have access to a number of benefits until they turn 18 (such as free medical care) as well as a monthly stipend for "high risk" children who are adopted (most foster children fall into this category, even seemingly typical kids).

2. Adoptive moms can't breast feed their babies.

Breast feeding is an important part of parenting, as it promotes bonding between mother and baby, and sets babies up for the best lifetime health.

Many people believe that adoptive mothers can't breast feed their babies, mistakenly thinking that pregnancy hormones are the only way to induce lactation.  In fact, there are a few protocols that adoptive mothers can follow to induce lactation (describing them is beyond the scope of this blog, but for more information I recommend a visit to a lactation consultant or reading Dr. Jack Newman's Guide to Breastfeeding.

Through the foster care system, the policy on this varies state to state.  In California, foster mothers can give breast milk to foster babies with permission from the baby's social worker.  We were given permission to give breast milk to our second baby, as she came to us when Esther was 11 months old and I was still lactating. She was eventually reunited with her mother, but we are happy that she was able to get the best milk for the first eight months of her life.


Have you heard any of these adoption myths?

Continue on to part two here...

Following Jesus and Spiritual Refinement

Before you do foster care, or before you adopt, it is easy to have a really romanticized view of the process. You will take in a child in need, and that child will be so grateful and love you forever and you will feel so good for doing such a good deed and everyone will live happily ever after. But then you actually become a foster parent or actually adopt or even just start the process and reality hits like a brick wall. Suddenly its not fun and its not easy and its not romantic.

This hit home one night recently when I got up to comfort a fussy baby. After an hour of comforting to no avail, the tears were streaming down my face. "Why, Lord?" I called out to the darkness, "Why does serving you have to be so hard?" It didn't seem fair. It should be easy to serve God, not hard. It should be easy to live in the way that he designed us to live, not seemingly counterintuitive.

I don't have answers to all of this. I still mostly feel that following Jesus should be easy. But I do know that God uses steps of faith to refine us, and he says this about the refining process,

"Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver, I have tried you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake, for my own sake I do it, for how should my name be profaned? My glory I will not give to another" Isaiah 48:10-11

In the absence of bold, underlined or italicized font in the ancient Hebrew written language, God emphasizes his point by repetition. For my own sake I am refining you, says God. Period. It is for God's glory and by his power and wisdom and goodness, so who are we to question? (see also Romans 9:20)

But we should also take comfort. One does not waste time trying to refine a rock. One only refines a mineral of value, such as silver or gold. Christian, God sees you as something of value. He sees you as worth his time and effort to refine you, to make you more precious and of more value.

So give in. Don't resist. Don't struggle against the refining fire. Allow him to burn off the dross, and rejoice to see it go. Rejoice that God would count you worthy of refining. Rejoice that you didn't have to force your own innate goodness to be worthy of God's blessing, but that He made you worthy by purchasing you with his blood.

 

 

Am I Able to Love Again? Our First Couple Hours with Our New Little Man.

Last week we got a call.  A really exciting call.  A call for a 21 month old Hispanic girl who was actually adoptable.  We were thrilled.  Not only was she the exact age we were hoping for, but she was actually adoptable.  That is super rare in the age range we are open to.  But long story short, things changed with her family situation, and yesterday they decided to adopt her with her 10 year old sister, not separate, as was the original plan.  So she would no longer fit in our family.  Though we tried to guard our hearts from getting too excited about her, it was a letdown when we found out that it wouldn't happen.

Then we got another call today.  For a 6 month old African American baby boy.  His situation is much different from hers, but very similar to all the other kiddos we have had.  He may or may not end up being adoptable, things are very unclear at this point.  He was taken from his family this week, languished for two days at a DCFS office while they sought out a family (because of the foster care crisis in LA right now) and then we got the call.

And its risky, but we decided to say yes.  Why did we say yes to a risky placement when we really want to adopt?  Three reasons.  All placements are risky, no matter what it looks like at the beginning.  Anything could happen.  Everything is risky in the foster care system until the judge slams the gavel down and finalizes the adoption.  Secondly, because God is sovereign.  Period.  Whatever he wants to happen will happen.  Thirdly, because as much as we want to grow our family, we also want to serve kiddos in need, even if that is just for a short time.  Though we would like for it to be a long time :)

But at the same time, it IS a risky placement.  And we had the possibility just yesterday of having a pretty-for-sure adoptable little girl.

So I found myself in the hours before his arrival pondering.  Questioning.  Wondering.  Can I love again?  Can I put my heart out there to love another baby who might not stay very long?  Will I be selfish with my heart, put a protective box over it, lock it up with a key, so that it will be safe?  It would be easy to just take care of him in the physical sense, keeping him clean and fed, but could my affections go there again?  Can my heart stretch that far to love the sixth child in the past three years?

And after thinking for a long time, I came to a conclusion.  Yes, I can love him.  Just as I plan to love Alex until we (Lord willing) grow old and wrinkly together.  Just as I loved Esther before she was born.  Love is not a feeling, it is a choice.  I have the choice of whether to love baby boy or not.  And I choose love, by God's grace.  And it is God's grace: we can only do this foster parenting thing because of the love Jesus first showed us by dying on the cross.  So I can pour that love into baby boy, especially since loving him is really loving Jesus.

And when he came in our front door and I saw him for the first time, I knew it was true.  I will love this baby.  I will snuggle him.  I will kiss his forehead.  I will rock him late into the night if needed.  I will sacrifice for him.  I will help him to have the healthiest, best childhood possible for the time that he is with us.  Every child deserves these things, how could I hold them back from our little man?  I will not hold them back.  As God pours out love into my heart, I will pour out love to our little man.

(Note to self: make sure you are going to God daily to be filled with His love, so that you have plenty to pour out to the kiddos and to Alex).

And here are some highlights from our first couple hours with our new little man before he went to bed.

*Set him on the ground for tummy time and he started crawling.  On his knees!  He seriously just turned 6 months old yesterday and he started crawling.  He's also super long so we have concluded he will be a basketball player.

*For a half second I was starting to think "Well, six months is a bit younger than we wanted, but at least he wont be moving yet so he'll be easier in that way."  Yeah.  Right.  We would get the six month old crawling prodigy.

*Although I have to say, I am thankful that he is not delayed in this area.  He could very well be delayed considering his history. Many foster kiddos have developmental delays.

*Esther is so thrilled to have a playmate in the house again.  It took about .5 seconds for her to warm up to him.  She took just about every kids book on the shelf off and gave it to him.  How sweet. :) I don't think he's too into books yet, but we don't have to tell Esther that.

*Since we became parents three years ago, we have had two to four kids in our house for the majority of our parenting time.  Many people have asked me "How do you do it with so many kids?".  My question over the past month (since baby girl left) to moms of only one child is "Seriously, how do you do it?!"  Esther has been markedly different without a sister around to bug (er, play with). Kiddos need playmates.  Kiddos want siblings.  Its good for them.  I am so glad that Esther has a new Bubba to play with (Bubba is her current nickname for him).

*When putting him to bed, he was clearly tired (I can only image what he has gone through in the past 72 hours).  I tried to pat his bottom and sing to him until he fell asleep but it only slightly placated him and didn't get him to sleep.  So then I picked him up and laid him on my chest as I laid on our bed.  He was out in less than a minute.  It was the sweetest feeling to feel his body relax and melt into mine.  And now he's in bed sleeping peacefully.

He came to us after 6p and was in bed before 8p so that is all so far.  But we will continue to update in the next few days.

Lastly please pray for us.  Please pray that God will give us the strength to love him well.  Pray that baby boy will grow up to love and know Jesus.  Please pray that we would trust unwaveringly in God through the difficulties of foster parenting.  Thank you for walking along side us in this journey!

Should You Adopt or Have Biological Children First?

Four years ago when we decided to start our family, we had a decision to make: we had an equally strong desire to adopt AND to have biological kids, so which one should we try for first?  This was a question that we researched and asked others' opinions on.

Long story short, we chose to adopt first, but our first sibling set of foster children ended up being reunited with their mom and I got pregnant while they were with us, so God chose for us to have biological kids first.  So, I feel like we have a unique perspective on this question, and I would like to share our insights.  I don't think that one way or the other is definitely the right answer, so I will share some positives and negatives on each side that we have seen and experienced.

Adopting First

The main reason that we chose to pursue adoption first was because we wanted adoption to be the priority, not an after thought.  Many couples have several biological kids first, and then adopt later in life.  This can make it seem like biological children are the priority, and adopted children as the after thought.  I'm not saying that this is the intention of couples who go this route, but that it can at least be perceived this way.

The upsides
Adopted kids need lots of attention at the beginning, which is important for bonding.  Often times they have come from a traumatic situation and will need lots of extra patience and grace.  If you have no other children in the home, you will be able to give them more love and attention and time for bonding.

If you pursue adoption first, you are not limited by having to make considerations for your biological or already adopted children.  The children already in your home will usually limit the age of kids you can adopt, as well as the types of behaviors you are willing to bring into your home.  This is a consideration we now have because of Esther: not only are we limited to only getting children younger than her (this is by personal choice after a lot of prayer and consideration) but we would probably have to say no to accepting a child with more extreme behaviors that we may have felt ok to handle before she was born.

If you are pursuing foster care adoption, it may also be easier to go this route first before having biological children because you don't have to worry about the impact of foster children coming and going through your home on your biological children.

The downsides
With adoption, you are thrown into parenthood, oftentimes with a child who is older than a newborn, so you don't really get to figure it out from day one.  It might be hard to know what to expect from a 13 months old if you haven't been there with them from day one (unless you have a lot of previous experience with kids).  You may also be thrown in to dealing with behaviors that you have no idea how to react to.  While these are difficulties, all parenting is a bit figure it out as you go, so I wouldn't say these things are deal breakers, just something to take into consideration.

If your first pregnancy occurs after you have adopted children in the home, you risk not knowing what to expect from your pregnant self.  True, every pregnancy is different, so you never really know what to expect.  But it may be difficult to be experiencing the ups and downs of your first pregnancy while you already have several kiddos underfoot.  For the first 4 months of my pregnancy with Esther we had four kiddos in the home.  While I did need extra help from Alex and my mom, we made it through just fine and I don't regret being pregnant at that time.

If you are close to or above 30 years of age, I personally wouldn't recommend adopting first.  It gets harder and harder to get pregnant the older you get (plus the chance of birth defects gets higher).  Also, carrying a pregnancy is harder with an older body.  It makes more sense to start with trying to get pregnant if you are close to this age, especially if you want more than a couple biological children.  This is especially true with certain kinds of adoption which may take many years to complete.  I was 23 years old when we decided to start a family, so this wasn't an issue we took into consideration for ourselves.

Biological Kids First

Though we pursued adoption first, as I mentioned God did the unexpected and chose for our first child to be biological.  Because we had a sense for what it would have been like to adopt before Esther came around, I am now glad that God chose for Esther to be our first.  Although if it had happened the other way, I would probably be happy with that as well :)

The Upsides
Generally, the younger you are, the easier it is to conceive and carry a baby.  Having biological kids first will allow you to use the most fertile years of your life towards pursuing this end.  I would guess that this is the main reason most families pursue biological children before adopting.

Coming into a home where they already have brothers and sisters can be beneficial for adopted children.  This gives them other playmates and helps them to learn more quickly what type of behavior is expected of members of this family.

If your biological children are a bit older when you pursue adoption, it is a great way to help them understand the gospel and God's love.  Older children are usually very eager to help out with adopted children, and you can explain to them some of the unique needs that adopted children may come with.

The Downsides
If you are pursing a foster care adoption, there are rules and laws about many aspects of your parenting, some of which probably conflict with what you currently practice with your biological children.  You will be questioned in depth about your parenting methods of your biological children.  For example, we know a perfectly healthy family who had to go through parenting classes before they could pursue adoption because their social worker disagreed with some of their parenting practices.  You also may have to treat your foster children different from your biological children until the adoption is finalized.  For example,  maybe you like to snuggle with your children in bed while reading them a bedtime story. This would not be allowed with a foster child, so either s/he would have to sit separate from the bed or you will need to find a new way to read bedtime stories at night.  So, getting foster children after you already have biological children may disrupt some of your normal family patterns.


What has your family chosen?  Have you pursed pregnancy or adoption first?  What has your experience been like?

dear esther: your sister is leaving

dear esther,

you are about to make a huge sacrifice.  you are about to lose one of your favorite people in the whole world.  your little sissy, whom you call "la la" or "jay jay" or "si si" will be leaving us today to be reunited with her birth mother.  we have been anticipating this day for months, but there has been no way for us to explain it to you, so that you could prepare for it as we have.

you love your la la sissy.  i can see it in your eyes after you two have been apart for a few hours or a few days.  i see it in the way you always open our bedroom door while she is napping so you can wake her up to play.  i see it in the way that you try to imitate our care for her, trying to give her a bottle or a banana, or trying to change her diaper.  i even see it when you sit on her head or try to ride on her like a horse or attempt to poke out her eyes.  your love for her is precious to me, and it makes me happy and excited for you to have more siblings in the future (hopefully, by God's grace, many more).

esther, i love you so much and i need you to know something.  you were born into a family where this type of sacrifice will be the norm.  you see, your father and i are christians, we follow jesus and we take the commands of the bible literally.  we hope (by God's grace) to care for many orphans in our lifetime, because God adopted us when we were orphans.  some may join our temporary, earthly family, but others, like your la la, we will have to say good bye to (while praying that they join God's eternal family).  furthermore, in your lifetime, at least during your childhood, you probably won't have one place to call "home" as we anticipate moving several times, living in different cities and countries to fulfill God's call to us.  you will never own the nicest stuff (by american standards) or the latest things, but you are a part of a family who seeks to honor God with our possessions, not just make ourselves temporarily happy.

i don't know if these things will be easy or hard for you.  but my prayer is that you will meet them with joy, and that you will always sacrifice with joy.  my prayer is that you too would be a follower of Jesus and call yourself a christian and take the commands of the bible literally, sacrificing your life for others, because Jesus first sacrificed His life for you.

esther, you are named after two people: your great-grandmother and a queen from the bible.  queen esther also lived a sacrificial life entrusted to the God she served.  there was a point when she had the decision to preserve her life, or to risk losing it in order to speak up to the king for her people, who were to be annihilated.  her choice was to risk her life.  and when she made that decision, she said "if i perish, i perish" because she would rather sacrifice her life than waste it sitting in the comforts of her palace.

though by american standards our family lives quite simply, by the entire world's standards we are the richest of the rich.  you too, like queen esther, have the choice whether to live a comfortable, easy, bland life, never risking anything too much, or to risk everything to live by faith and follow jesus, trusting that following him is greater than all the riches of the earth.

undoubtedly, following him will be hard.  you may not even see many of the good results of your living by faith.  keep your eyes on jesus, and look forward to the reward of heaven.  i pray that you will cling to these verses in times of difficulty as i have:

By faith Moses, when he was born, was hidden for three months by his parents, because they saw that the child was beautiful, and they were not afraid of the king's edict. By faith Moses, when he was grown up, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh's daughter, choosing rather to be mistreated with the people of God than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. He considered the reproach of Christ greater wealth than the treasures of Egypt, for he was looking to the reward. By faith he left Egypt, not being afraid of the anger of the king, for he endured as seeing him who is invisible. By faith he kept the Passover and sprinkled the blood, so that the Destroyer of the firstborn might not touch them.

By faith the people crossed the Red Sea as on dry land, but the Egyptians, when they attempted to do the same, were drowned. By faith the walls of Jericho fell down after they had been encircled for seven days. By faith Rahab the prostitute did not perish with those who were disobedient, because she had given a friendly welcome to the spies.

And what more shall I say? For time would fail me to tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, of David and Samuel and the prophets- who through faith conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight. Women received back their dead by resurrection. Some were tortured, refusing to accept release, so that they might rise again to a better life.  Others suffered mocking and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. They were stoned, they were sawn in two, they were killed with the sword. They went about in skins of sheep and goats, destitute, afflicted, mistreated— of whom the world was not worthy—wandering about in deserts and mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth.

And all these, though commended through their faith, did not receive what was promised,  since God had provided something better for us, that apart from us they should not be made perfect. (hebrews 11:23-40)

love,
your mama

helping a child versus increasing family size: motivation for adoption

what is the motivation for adoption?  is it to help a child in need or to increase the size of your family?

this is a hard question that i have been thinking through for the past couple of months.

certainly, i would not argue that this is completely an either/or question.  the motivation for adoption should be both.  unfortunately, too many times parents are so eager to adopt that the emphasis is too heavily placed on increasing family size, often at the expense of actually helping the child (maybe because we pridefully assume the most helpful thing for the child is to be a part of our family).

this is an especially important question to ask in the situation of foster care adoption.  when a child is taken into foster care, the first priority is to work towards being able to reunify them with their birth parents.  if that doesn't work, the second priority is to place them for adoption/legal guardianship with a family member.  if neither of these two things happen, an adoptive family is sought out.

one of the difficult aspects of foster care adoption is the possibility of "losing" a child (ie the possibility of the child going back with their family after they are in your home).  if you want to adopt a young child (anything under 5 years old) you usually have to be open to taking in a child who is still in foster care, and that child will be in your care either until they are reunited or until they are open for adoption.  the problem is that parents can be so intensely focused on adoption that they are almost cheering for the birth parents to fail.  i know that this is true because i have felt these feelings and battled this pride.

it is important to the the best needs of the child first.  for a child to lose their parents is a tremendous loss, one that often haunts them for years, even if they are very young when they are adopted.  in fact, as hard as it was for me to accept this when i first heard it, studies do show that children who are able to be reunited with their birth families do better in the end than children who are adopted out of their families.  foster adoptive parents should be open to the idea that the best thing they can do to serve the children in their care is to give them a temporary good home (complete with lots of love and prayer and trust in God for that child's future), and if possible reach out to their birth family in order to help them be better parents when and if reunification happens.

of course, reunification is not always possible, and in that situation adoption is the best second option.  for kids in that situation, helping that child AND increasing your family size are one in the same.

for prospective adoptive families, this is an important question to ask yourselves, and certainly something to pray over: that God would give you wisdom as how to best help the child in your care, and also that God would grow your family (since children ARE a blessing and the desire to adopt a good thing) even if its not in the way/timing that you had previously planned.

christian adoption, foster care and pride.

there are many ways that foster and adoptive parents can easily fall into a trap of pride.  the job is hard, but many outsiders laud the sacrifice and service of foster and adoptive parents, and these parents can begin to believe that they are, in fact, special people with greater giftings than others.

i don't write these things because i see them in others, but because i see them in myself.  and i want to shine gospel light on ways that pride can creep up on foster/adoptive parents.  let us repent of this pride and rejoice that jesus' blood cleanses us from the guilt we should bear and ask for the fruit of the Holy Spirit to fill us rather than pride.

condemning/judging birth parents.

i have heard some pretty horrible stories of things that foster children have gone through, stories that many people couldn't stomach.  but the tragic reality is, the parents who do these things were often victims of these same abuses as a child.  history repeats itself.  as i wrote about recently, hearing our current foster baby girl's mother speak to a class of foster parents in training really helped me to see things from her perspective.

birth parents are not monsters.  there are many complex reasons that resulted in the situations that caused their children to have been taken away or having to give up their children. but remember that they were made in the image of God with many good qualities and giftings, just like you and i were.  i am not excusing their sin, but merely saying that it is important to not narrowly focus on their sin to the exclusion on their positive characteristics.

it is important to remember that as foster/adoptive parents our position is not to judge the parents.  quite literally (at least in the foster system) it is the judge's position to judge the parents and determine what the punishment for their sin is as well as if and when they can be reunited with their children.  our role is to love the children in our home, and part of loving them is by helping them to follow the biblical command to honor their parents.  when we talk about and treat their parents with respect, we teach them to respect their parents.  this doesn't mean that we need to lie about sins their parents have committed, but instead to talk about these sins (when appropriate to speak of them) in a factual, non-judgmental way.

a passage that really helps put this in perspective for me is 1 corinthians 5:9-13:

"I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people. What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside."

as jesus modeled, it is good to be in relationship with and love on unrepentant non-believers.  it is unrepentant believers whom we should be judging.

expecting the children to be grateful

all foster and adoptive children have experienced trauma and loss.  at the minimum, even if they were placed in a loving adoptive home at birth, they have been separated from their mom whom they emotionally attached to for nine months in the womb.  but realistically, most foster or adoptive children have faced more trauma than this, such as abuse, neglect, starvation or prenatal drug or alcohol exposure.

many parents naively assume that their children will automatically be grateful to be adopted and will easily forget their past hurts and love their new home.  unfortunately, these past hurts and losses must be grieved and worked through.  there is hope that God can and will work these things for good, but it is important for foster and adoptive parents to recognize these things.

for a helpful list of things to think through on this topic, i recommend the article "The 20 Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew About Adoption".

expecting the children to become believers

this is a similar sin of pride as the one mentioned above.  often we assume that children will see the beauty of how they have been adopted into our earthy families and think that they will probably also want to be adopted into God's family, becoming christians.

again it is important to repent of pride in this way.  again, we need to recognize the profound hurt that adopted and foster children have gone through, and beg God in prayer to work despite these hurts and draw these children to himself.  we need to recognize that it is not in our power to save our children, no matter what great deed we have done for them.

alex has mentioned to me before that in his experience, children adopted into christian families are actually less likely to become christians than the biological children of those families.  i don't know whether the actual statistics are the same as alex's personal experience, but no matter what, all parents need to fervently seek the Lord for their children's salvation.  He is mighty to save.